How To Even…Tell Which Character from the Movie “All Is Lost” You Are

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Get Ready for the Oscar with Oscar Countdown Quizzes!

Welcome to How To Even’s Xtra Special Oscars Edition Countdown! When future generations look back and ask Where were you? when Starletta Disposabley flashed her taint at that guy who played a hobbit or when M. D. Ling Witegi threw up on our souls, now you can say, “I dunno.” For this special time, we’ve prepared some quizzes like they have on the interwebs because everybody loves homework! We’re running a new one every day until the big show, which we probably won’t watch.

Which Character From The Movie “All Is Lost” Are You?

1. Name a childhood security object:

a. Blanket.
b. Teddy bear.
c. Rubber ducky.
d. Boat.

2. Gravy is served in a:

a. Pitcher.
b. Bowl.
c. Saucepan.
d. Boat.

3. Pick a song:

a. “Stairway To Heaven.”
b. “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
c. “Freebird.”
d. “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

4. Pick a hat:

a. Bowler.
b. Porkpie.
c. Ski mask.
d. Boater.

5. I’d rather be a ___ than a ___

a. Onion, squirrel.
b. 401K plan, box of Saltines.
c. Spanner, wrench.
d. Boat, boat.

6. When faced with a dilemma, I’d mostly likely

a. Flip a coin.
b. Get drunk.
c. Hide in a cardboard box.
d. Drown.

7. Pick a president:

a. Millard Fillmore.
b. Calvin Coolidge.
c. Teddy Roosevelt.
d. Boat.

8. With all the money I’ve made from selling organic salad dressing and Oreo knockoffs, I think I’ll buy a(n):

a. Small nation.
b. Larger organic salad dressing processing plant.
c. Election.
d. Boat.

9. I’m an older actor who fears he’s no longer relevant. I should make a movie about a:

a. Walk in the woods.
b. Mythical dragon.
c. Elderly criminal.
d. Boat.

10. Making a movie is like making a:

a. Waffle.
b. Mistake.
c. Commitment to excellence.
d. Boat.

Bonus: 11. Boat?

a. Boat.
b. Boat, boaty, boatboat.
c. Boat!.
d. Waterga — no, boat!

Results:

Congratulations! You are:

Man, an old, unnamed man waking to find your 39-foot yacht taking on water after a collision with a shipping container left floating on the high seas. With the boat sinking, you abandon ship in an inflatable life raft, salvaging whatever you can to survive. You drift out of the shipping lane with no food or water. On the eighth day, you write a letter, put it in a jar, and throw it in the ocean. Later that night, you see a light in the distance. You tear pages from your journal along with you charts to create a signal fire. The fire grows out of control and consumes your raft. You fall into the water and allow yourself to sink.