How To Even…Xmas 2

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

So, Santa, amirite? Who is this guy? He’s enigmatic, which is crazy, because it seems like there’s a Santa on every street corner, come Xmas. But maybe that’s how he does it — hiding in plain sight, infiltrating the ranks of department store Santas. Maybe the Santa whose lap you sat on really was Santa and not a run of the mill pervert. Or maybe it was both. We don’t know. We’re just spitballin’ here. Maybe Santa is like the holy spirit, and he’s everywhere at the same time; so maybe all the department store Santas are really real. Again, we ourselves do not know.

What we do know is that Santa surely can’t exist only one day, or one month, a year. For the rest of the year, he’s got to be just S. Clause. But what if he’s not? What if he’s actually someone else? We think he might be. We also think he’s not just a regular person. Think about it. Santa does all this work for kids and weird adults, and what does he get for it? Cookies and milk? Come on. He must be choosing anonymity, which leads us to believe he might actually be a celebrity in real life. Also, toys, reindeer feed, not to mention flying sleigh technology, these things aren’t cheap. Have you seen Elon Musk’s expense reports? How does Santa afford them? He must be independently wealthy.

Some of you may be thinking that Santa isn’t r — l, and we feel sorry for you. When did you stop feeling joy in your life? Was it a Tuesday? That’s understandable. Tuesdays are the worst. But try to put that behind you and remember what it was like…