How To Even…Win a Fist Fight

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

There’s a pretty good chance that, if you’re reading this, you don’t know how to fight. Maybe you once did but are out of….uhm, practice. Yeah, that’s it. You once roamed the frightened halls of your high school or local Arby’s, your dominance uncontested by the trembling plebes. Sure, sure. But those days are long gone. You’ve retired from the heady heights of prowess to a stained recliner in a dirty living room. Really, you just wanted to give someone else a chance to shine.

But let’s be serious. We’re lovers, not fighters. Except we’re not really lovers, either. We’re more…um…like accountants. Who aren’t that good with numbers, and stuff. So. Wait, no, we’re writers, not fighters. That even rhymes. Which means, um, we’ll labor in obscurity and maybe be remembered by a couple other writers after we’re dead. Hmm. Actually, we’re closer to stress eaters than fighters.

Anyway, lucky for you, as long-time observers of humanity — often through its proverbial bathroom window — we’ve compiled some tips to help you save face should you find yourself in a situation requiring the fisticuffs.

Scoring Points with the Crowd