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How To Even…Watch the Oscars
By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe
Quick: name three things that brought you joy in the last month. We bet at least two of them were movies. And the third was probably cake. (Someday, they’ll make a movie about cake. What a glorious future.)
Since two of the three things that make life worth living are movies and movies, what is the most anticipated event of the year?
The answer is the halftime show during the Superbowls (the Superbowls themselves won’t qualify until they start playing footsball on horseback, and call it hoofsball). But after the halftime show, the most anticipated event of the year is the Oscars, also known as The Oscarbowl.
Who was Oscar?
The Oscarbowl is named after this guy Jimmy, whose friends called him HEY YOU GET AWAY FROM THERE, or Oscar for short. To commemorate his memory (he had a great memory for faces and social security numbers) they give out little statues of him. Now, keep in mind that they don’t make statues of just anybody. No, to get a statue made, you have to kill a LOT of people. Then they bury those you’ve liberated from the drudgery of existence in an unmarked grave and put up a big stone statue of you to make sure the ghosts don’t get out of line. Oscar was kind of a maverick, though, because he had little statues made, but a whole bunch of them. Does that…
