How to Even…Walk Your Dog

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

You got a dog because you thought, “Hey, I’ll take it for walks, and that’ll be a good way to get a little exercise and get outside. I’ll have a little friend! It’ll be nice!” You fool. You sad, deluded fool. Well, you got your wish. Now, you’ve got a dog that loves you unconditionally, the poor sap. What did it ever do to deserve getting stuck with you? And worse yet, all it wants in the world is for you to get off your ass for fifteen minutes and take it for a walk so it doesn’t have to poop on your floor. That’s it. You’re a god, and all your subject asks is this tiny blessing.

Which you groan and whine and complain about like…well, like a god. They tend to be pretty crappy, really. But little Friendo stares up at you with those big, wet eyes, so you sigh and get up and go try to find something that will pass for pants, at first blush. You do the absolute minimum to keep from having to admit you may actually be dead inside, which is pretty much what it is to be an adult.

But you’re going to need some things first.

Leashes