Member-only story
How To Even…Use Your Turn Signals
By Michael Gushue and CL Bledsoe
If anyone from Netflix is reading this, here’s our pitch: an alien race comes to Earth intending to invade and plunder. Our intrepid heroes, a couple of dashing, clever How-To-Guide writers, are the only ones who can save us all. AS USUAL. How do they scare the aliens away, never to return? Easy. Make them drive the DC Beltway twice a day for forty years. The aliens will either destroy themselves or completely lose the ability to operate their weapons, their bodies, or anything else due to the mind-numbing stupidity bombarding them from all sides. Or, they’ll blow everything up. Either way, the important thing to take away from this is how clever and dashing the authors of this blog are.
Unlike the car horn, which is a complex, multi-use tool that can express every negative feeling or emotion you have — from anger all the way to brain-shattering rage — the turn signal is viewed as a rudimentary car part with no opportunities to express free will or creativity. This is a problem. The American consumer will not buy anything that doesn’t give the illusion of caring about their feelings and/or giving them the opportunity to “express themselves.” An owner’s manual will try to tell you that the turn signal has only two functions:
- to signal a turn, or
- to indicate a merge into or out…
