How To Even…Tell Which Buddy You Are in a Buddy Cop Film

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Get Ready for the Oscar with HTE’s Oscar Countdown Quizzes!

Welcome to How To Even’s Xtra Special Oscars Edition Countdown! When future generations look back and ask Where were you? when Starletta Disposabley flashed her taint at that guy who played a hobbit or when Mi D. Ling Witegi threw up on our souls, now you can say, “I dunno.” For this special time, we’ve prepared some quizzes like they have on the interwebs because everybody loves homework! We’re running a new one every day until the big show, which we probably won’t watch.

Which Buddy Are You in a Buddy Cop Film?

To be in a buddy cop film, you must determine which buddy you are. Answer these simple questions to find out if you are the (a) wild, hot-tempered iconoclast with a crazy sense of humor who takes risks and bends the rules so much they look like pretzels but gets the job done because sometimes you have to go over the edge to reach the next level, or (b) the even-tempered loser who has a 401k and knows what the word “iconoclast” means. UGH.

1. When you chase a suspect through a crowded nightclub with throbbing techno music and strobe lights do you:

a. Move as unobtrusively as possible through the crowd of dancers and revelers so as not cause alarm, or:
b. Grab drinks out of people’s hands and down them as you push clubbers out of your way so you can get a bead on the perp, except for one hot chick who you grab, french kiss, then say “Later, baby, this is a bad time.”

2. You identify as:

a. African American.
b. Hispanic.
c. Native American.
d. Asian/Pacific Islander.
e. Australian.
d. Caucasian.

3. What’s your marital status?

a. Happily married with kids.
b. Married with kids but struggling.
c. Divorced due to the stresses of being a cop, i.e., your out-of-control drinking problem.
d. Widowed because your spouse was murdered by a criminal who got away because you failed to do your job.
e. Dating but also (d).

4. How did you lose your last partner?

a. Retired and moved to a condo in Florida.
b. Killed less than a week from retirement.
c. Gunned down by a drug kingpin.
d. Convicted due to an IA investigation (rightfully).
e. Convicted due to an IA investigation (wrongfully).
f. Both (b) and ( c).

5. Why is the captain yelling at you?

a. You’re a loose cannon.
b. The mayor is breathing down his/her neck.
c. That perp is a respected business person.
d. This time you’ve gone too far. Badge! Now! On my desk!
e. He just quit smoking.
f. The captain is in on it.

6. Describe your approach to interrogating suspects:

a. Dangling them off a building until something “shakes loose.”
b. Does anyone want coffee? I think we have some scones, left...
c. Turn off the camera and give me five minutes with the perp.
d. We know everything. Your buddy’s already cutting a deal. Come clean, and I’ll see what I can do.
e. I don’t know. Something doesn’t feel right about this airtight case.
f. I literally threw a book at them.

7. How many car chases have you been in this week?

a. None. That’s dangerous.
b. As many as it takes.
c. Does it count if they’re in speedboats?
d. Fewer than 5.
e. More than 5.

If you answered (b), ( c), or (e) to question 7, answer question 8. If you answered (a), or (d), proceed to question 9.

8. During a car chase would you:

a. Drive through the plate glass window of a business to ensure an arrest.
b. Wait for the light to turn green. Safety first!
c. Drive off a dock/pier/boardwalk.
d. Drive on the sidewalk for an extended period
e. Drive through an alley too narrow for your vehicle because it’s a shortcut.

9. Just how deep does this conspiracy go?

a. All the way to the top.
b. Conspiracy? Nah. It’s probably a coincidence. Surely not in our department.
c. Trust no one. Not even yourself.
d. Is someone playing saxophone?

10. Who drives?

a. Me.
b. My partner.
c. We take turns.
d. I don’t care as long as I get to work the radio.

Scoring:

Score your answers using the following unnecessarily complicated and ultimately arbitrary grading system:

1a. 0 points.
1b: 9 points.
2a. 6 points.
2b. 4 points.
2c. 7.5 points.
2d: 6 points.
2e: 11 points.
2f: 0 points.
3a: 0 points.
3b: 1 point.

3c: 2.5 points.
3d: 2.75 points.
3e: 6 points.
4a: 0 points.

4b: 4 points.
4c: 6 points.
4d: 6 points.
4e: 0 points.
4f: 10.5 points.

5a: 5.25 points.
5b: 5.50 points.
5c: 5.75 points.
5d: 6 points.
5e: 0.0 points.

5f: 11 points.
6a: 11 points.
6b: 0 points.
6c: 4.95 points.
6d: 0 points.
6e: 7 points.
6f: 12 points.
7a: 0 points.

7b: 8 points.
7c: 8.5 points.
7d: 0 points.
7e: 5.8 points.

8a: 7 points.
8b: -1 points.
8c: 5.0 points.
8d: 5.00 points.
9a: 5.001 points.

9b: 0 points.
9c: 0 points.
9d: 5 or 6 points.

9e: 12 points.
10a: 6 or 5 points.
10b: 0 points.

10c: 0 points.
10d: 11.11 points.

Score Values:

0–50: You’re the by-the-book cop.

51–200: You’re the maverick cop.

The only blog you’ll ever need. By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe Archives: https://medium.com/@howtoeven/how-to-even-archives-3eeea1f52d31

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