How To Even…Tell Whether You’re In a Tom Hanks Movie Or a Tom Cruise Movie
By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe
Get Ready for the Oscar with Oscar Countdown Quizzes!
Welcome to How To Even’s Xtra Special Oscars Edition Countdown! When future generations look back and ask Where were you? when Starletta Disposabley flashed her taint at that guy who played a hobbit or when M. D. Ling Witegi threw up on our souls, now you can say, “I dunno.” For this special time, we’ve prepared some quizzes like they have on the interwebs because everybody loves homework! We’re running a new one every day until the big show, which we probably won’t watch.
Are You In a Tom Hanks Movie Or a Tom Cruise Movie?
- You meet a mysterious woman. Which of the following best describes her:
a. She’s wet. She’s also covered in scales. Pretty sure she’s a mermaid.
b. She’s round, white, and full of air. Her name is Wilson.
c. She’s soft like felt and also a cowgirl. She’s shy, though. Whenever people come around, she freezes up.
d. None of these apply.
2. Again, you meet a mysterious woman. Which of the following best describes her:
a. I’m too busy saving the world from terrorists to take much interest in her.
b. She’s not so much a woman as my brother, who is on the spectrum but really good at counting cards. Also, matchsticks.
c. She’s okay, but my jet plane is much cooler.
d. None of these apply.
3. How would you describe the audience reaction to your movie?
a. They want to watch it in spite of the fact that I’m in it.
b. They want to watch me in spite of the fact that I’m in this movie.
4. Are you going to win an academy award for this movie?
a. Probably, I guess. I usually do.
b. Nope.
c. But what if…?
d. Nope.
5. Describe the action elements of the movie:
a. I do all my own stunts at great personal cost. This is especially impressive considering that I’m getting on in years.
b. I may run a bit, and I’ll definitely act really concerned at one point.
6. You have to travel for work. Describe the trip:
a. We made good time despite the constant explosions.
b. We never arrived, but I did meet some lovely pirates.
7. My fondest wish is to be bigger than I am. Who am I?
a. Tom Hanks.
b. Tom Cruise.
C. That could actually be either.
8. Describe your relationship to psychology:
a. I don’t believe in it.
b. I’m too busy making everyone feel warm inside to worry about stuff like that.
9. Hey, are you married?
a. Yes, and I have been for like 30 years.
b. Um, what day is this?
10. No matter how hard they try, the authors of this blog can’t come up with anything negative to say about:
a. Tom Cruise
b. Tom Cruise.
b. Tom Cruise.
C. Tom Hanks.
Results:
Congratulations! It’s fucking Tom Hanks. Everybody loves Tom Hanks. Was he in Magnolia? No. Was he in Eyes Wide Shut? No. Is he a freakin’ weirdo cult member? Also no. Does he jump out of a plane without a parachute. No, he *lands* the plane in the muthafrumpin’ Hudson River. So.
