How To Even…Tell if You’re Stuck in a RomCom
By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe
Get Ready for the Oscar with Oscar Countdown Quizzes!
Welcome to How To Even’s Xtra Special Oscars Edition Countdown! When future generations look back and ask Where were you? when Starletta Disposabley flashed her taint at that guy who played a hobbit or when M. D. Ling Witegi threw up on our souls, now you can say, “I dunno.” For this special time, we’ve prepared some quizzes like they have on the interwebs because everybody loves homework! We’re running a new one every day until the big show, which we probably won’t watch.
Are You Stuck in a RomCom?
- Describe your job.
a. It’s a dead end. But what I really want is to be a famous country singer.
b. I get by, but just barely with all of my kid’s medical bills. I just wish someone (preferably with leading-man good looks) would save me…
c. My job is to take care of me.
d. I’m a lighthouse keeper. My father was a lighthouse keeper. His father was a greengrocer. But his brother was a lighthouse keeper.
2. Think of the co-worker you spend most of your time with. Now, describe your relationship with them:
a. They’ve got a major crush on me, but I think they’re kind of creepy.
b. They don’t know I’m alive, but I frequently plan our secret wedding they don’t know about.
c. I hate them so much, and yet I think if we found ourselves going through a series of unexpected mishaps together, we’d probably end up sleeping together.
d. I’m a dog-walker, so.
3. If you’re female, do you lack agency?
a. Like, a hiring agency?
b. Men control every aspect of my life, but if I could only find the right one to control it…
c. What do you think?
d. No. I am a freelance spy/assassin.
4. What’s your nationality?
a. British.
b. Welsh…so, yeah, basically British.
c. Scottish…so, yeah, still basically British.
d. I’m from South Carolina. Wait, where are you going?
5. What do you want most out of life?
a. The respect of my peers.
b. A successful career.
c. To accomplish my possibly impossible goals.
d. To give up everything I’ve worked so hard for in order to take care of some sniveling manchild.
6. Your mother books you a vacation somewhere exotic. It requires a train ride, and when you get on the train, you discover that your berth was double-booked with a charming, attractive stranger. Unfortunately, the train is fully booked, and you’re stuck. What do you do?
a. Yell at everyone in charge until I’m put off the train.
b. Make the best of it. Take the bed while the other person sleeps on the couch.
c. Have a heart-to-heart talk with this stranger, only to realize this is the first person who truly understands you.
d. Bang ’em, right then and there. It’s a vacation, right? #noregrets #vacation.
7. When you arrive at the vacation destination, you discover that the person who was sharing your berth in question 6 is going to the same place. In fact, they’re going to the cabin/room/etc. right next to yours. How do you react?
a. Instantly regret begging them to do that thing with the light fixture/your butt.
b. Wonder if this isn’t the beginning of something wonderful.
c. Call the travel agency and make them give you a different cabin/room/etc. What happens on train stays on train.
d. Bang ’em again. #noregrets #vacation
8. At your cabin/room/etc., you decide to take a long walk to enjoy the scenery. You discover your new “friend” speaking earnestly with someone you think is more attractive than you. How do you react?
a. Cut that bitch.
b. Ask them about it later; it’s probably a family member.
c. Decide to keep some distance from them both. Focus on enjoying your vacation.
d. Invite them into a threesome and then murder them both. #noregrets # vacation
9. Later, you discover that the other person was a family member. How do you feel?
a. Relieved. Now you can pursue your burgeoning relationship without competition.
b. Bang the family member.
c. Who gives a shit? I’m here to get tore down. #noregrets #vacation
d. Kind of embarrassed about the 3-some/murder thing. #regrets #vacation
10. It’s the night before you’re ready to leave your vacation spot. It’s been a wild and wonderful ride, and you can’t imagine how you’ll go back to your old life. What should you do on your last night?
a. Spend it with your new love interest. If this is your last night together, you want to make it unforgettable.
b. Get a tattoo that says, “VACAY LIFE 4 EVA.”
c. Find someone to strangle you while they also pee on you.
d. Fake your own death so you never have to go back.
Scoring:
For every a. answer: Love can turn even the most horrible human being into an accepting person who does not put her/his own needs first. But so can a coma.
For every b. answer: Fantasy and reality can co-exist in a relationship and strengthen each other, until the drugs run out.
For every c. answer: Love is complicated, like a game of Settlers of Catan except it’s during a nuclear winter and a plague is turning your feelings into zombies. Dressed as clowns.
For every d. answer: Love can be found in the most unexpected places. But you should definitely get tested afterwards.
