How to Even…Tell if You’re in a John Carpenter Film
By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe
Get Ready for the Oscar with Oscar Countdown Quizzes!
Welcome to How To Even’s Xtra Special Oscars Edition Countdown! When future generations look back and ask Where were you? when Starletta Disposabley flashed her taint at that guy who played a hobbit or when M. D. Ling Witegi threw up on our souls, now you can say, “I dunno.” For this special time, we’ve prepared some quizzes like they have on the interwebs because everybody loves homework! We’re running a new one every day until the big show, which we probably won’t watch.
Are You Stuck In A John Carpenter Film?
- What do you do for a living?
a. I don’t. I’m independently wealthy.
b. I sex turkeys.
c. Whatever I can.
d. I drive a truck. Pork Chop Express, baby.
2. Describe your socioeconomic status:
a. I’m fucking rollin’ in it.
b. I’m comfortable.
c. My parents are rich, but I’m middle class.
d. Working class but down on my luck.
3. Are you a good person?
a. I’m a GD saint.
b. I’m a piece of shit.
c. Who can say?
d. I’m all right, I guess, but given the right circumstances, I would probably become a hero.
4. Are you Kurt Russell?
a. Who?
b. No, I’m Keri Russell.
c. No, but I’ve seen Captain Ron like ten times. BEST MOVIE EVER.
d. No, I’m Keith David. Or possibly Rowdy Roddy Piper. Or Adrienne Barbeau. Or Nipsy Russell.
5. Are you trapped in a supernatural/alien situation?
a. I wouldn’t say “trapped” so much as “living my best life.”
b. Does a business meeting count?
c. Well, I am a ghost, so…
d. I’ll let you know after I put on these sunglasses.
6. Describe your perfect vacation destination:
a. I guess somewhere affordable but fun like Dubuque.
b. Tahiti.
c. Who can afford a vacation?
d. Definitely not New York, LA, Mars, a police station, a babysitter’s house, Antarctica, Chinatown, a mental institution, a radio station, or, um, wherever Prince of Darkness is set (Newark?).
7. You’re looking for a new car. What kind do you buy?
a. Something sensible, reliable, and not possessed by a demon.
b. Something cheap. If it’s possessed by a demon, well, as long as it gets decent gas mileage, I would consider it. But I would probably just get like a Honda.
c. I reject your dependence on fossil fuels.
d. Plymouth Fury possessed by a demon, no question.
8. If you were a vampire, what kind would you be?
a. One of those simpering Anne Rice ones. The kind whose faces other vampires would dunk in the toilet.
b. Vampires aren’t real. They’re an ableist myth that mocks people with light sensitivity.
c. One that wears a really nice suit.
d. Kind of scuzzy and eventually killed by James Woods, but who won’t be?
9. If you were in space, what would you do?
a. Fuck ET.
b. Come back to Earth immediately.
c. Explore and discover new cultures while spreading my Utopian ideals.
d. Probably get high, go to Wisconsin, or get killed by a bunch of alien zombies.
10. Do You hear Music? Describe it.
a. Elevator-esque
b. Trancestep/Faux House with a touch of Nuevo Flump
c. I hear no music.
d. Monotonous guitar or maybe keyboard. It kind of sounds like someone made a movie but couldn’t afford to pay for a score, so they did it themselves even though they aren’t really a very good musician.
Results:
If you answered “d” to more than half of these, you are more than likely in a John Carpenter film. If you’re not, consider writing a script about your life and pitching it to Carpenter.
