How To Even…Tell If You’re In A Disney Animated Movie

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Get Ready for the Oscar with Oscar Countdown Quizzes!

Welcome to How To Even’s Xtra Special Oscars Edition Countdown! When future generations look back and ask Where were you? when Starletta Disposabley flashed her taint at that guy who played a hobbit or when M. D. Ling Witegi threw up on our souls, now you can say, “I dunno.” For this special time, we’ve prepared some quizzes like they have on the interwebs because everybody loves homework! We’re running a new one every day until the big show, which we probably won’t watch.

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Are You In A Disney Animated Movie?

  1. Describe your occupation.

a. Princess.
b. Princess.
c. Princess.
d. Not a princess, but might as well be.
e. Mermaid/Princess.
f. None of the above.

2. Describe your appearance

a. BIG eyes.
b. 3d, computer generated.
c. You can dress me up, but you can’t take me out.
d. An unrealistic and ultimately harmful standard of beauty.
e. I’m a beast.
f. Princess. DUH.
g. All of the above.

3. Sidekick?

a. Comical snowman/hermit crab/dragon.
b. World-weary squirrel with a drinking problem.
c. Mantlepiece clock and candlestick (WTF?).
d. Danny Glover.

4. How does it end?

a. Happily ever after.
b. With a song.
c. A tell all book and a reality show in about 5 years after a couple of stints in rehab.
d. “The horror, the horror.”

5. Do you share your feelings?

a. Sure. With my therapist.
b. Yes. In Oscar-nominated song form.
c. Only with my animal friends.

6. Describe your relationship with your male co-star:

a. Abusive.
b. Co-dependent.
c. The word “grooming” comes to mind.
d. All of the above.

7. Describe the strongest woman in your life?

a. She’s a witch.
b. Witch.
c. Sea witch.
d. A victim of patriarchal oppression who refuses to bow to societal expectations and is labelled a witch.

8. What is your biggest concern about your father, the king’s, policies?

a. He oppresses the peasants by the very fact of his wealth hoarding.
b. He’s more concerned about his squabbles with witches/supernatural bears/etc. than he is negotiating a truce that would keep the people safe.
c. He couldn’t be bothered to do his job as a father, so he married a manipulative, abusive social climber, but no one seems to hold him responsible.
d. He doesn’t want me to me bang a stranger, at least until I’m legal.

9. You’re not a princess. What are you?

a. An enchanted candlestick who really wants to bang a feather duster.
b. A poor young woman who will be forced to marry a shiftless, possibly abusive prince who has few, if any, redeeming qualities and may not even be human.
c. A building shaped like a penis.
d. A SECRET princess.

10. How do you feel about the government?

a. They put me out of business when they outlawed spindles. Now, we’re all naked and cold, but I guess the princess is safe somewhere…if she’s even still alive.
b. My mother died when everything was frozen over, and my son lost a foot to frostbite, but the queen learned how to be a true friend, so I guess that’s okay.
c. Ambivalent, but I wish princesses would stop crashing funerals to make out with dead girls.
d. I am the government.

Results:

If you answered “princess” more than once, you’re in an animated Disney movie. Enjoy your privilege! Also, your stepmother thinks you could afford to lose 5 lbs.

If your answered “princess” only once, you’re probably in The Princess Bride. Hang in there, Buttercup!

If you didn’t answer princess even once, you’re not in an animated Disney movie, but if you lose 5 lbs. you can probably get an entry level job running the Princess gift store at Disney World, which is not yet coextensive with the entire world. Fear The Mouse.

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