How To Even…Take Advantage of Your Workplace Without Getting Arrested
All labor for pay is exploitation, it’s just a question of how much you’re willing to take. Of course, most of us don’t have a lot of choice. Every aspect of our lives is tied to our work. Healthcare, housing, food, the doing of sex, all of these will cease to become available if you lose your job. That means we have to take quite a bit. Sure, we can try to look for a different job, but that takes time and effort, and is often prohibitive, since your current employer probably won’t be too thrilled if they discover you’re job hunting. Once they find out, especially once you find another job, there’s a decent chance they’re going to take their annoyance out on you. Then, you’ve got to deal with that liminal space between your last paycheck at your old job and the first one at the new job, the disruption in health insurance, probably a restart on your deductible, parking costs, zombie attacks, etc., etc.
So changing jobs is a major hassle most people only do when they absolutely have to. That means you’ve probably just got to put up with the “bullshit” as it’s flung. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make up for being exploited in other ways. We, your How To Even…Lifestyle Coordinators, are here to give you some suggestions on stealing back a little bit of that dignity rich people love to flaunt so much.
Take Stuff from Work
This isn’t just a great song, although it is, but it’s also a way of life. Stealing from work can take a lot of different forms. The only limits are the limits of you imagination. Maybe you write a parody self-help blog on the clock. Maybe you start wearing overcoats so you can hide things under them. Maybe you break a window and drop your desk down to your cousin’s waiting flatbed while no one is looking. Everyone takes office supplies, but consider stepping up your game and taking your entire office.
Of course, someone might notice that you’re suddenly missing a desk. This is why you don’t steal YOUR desk; you steal Greg’s desk. Nobody likes Greg, and it’s totally not a stretch for folks to believe he misplaced a desk. That’s so Greg.
What’s great about this is that you can blame all sorts of stuff on Greg. You probably won’t even want the stuff you steal; you just want to blame things on Greg. Just be sure that he isn’t resourceful enough to hide a camera and film you stealing his stuff. If he is, steal the camera. And his phone and computer. And maybe break into his home and steal his computer there, otherwise, he might upload the video.
Goof Off On Company Time
This is similar to stealing from your job, except instead of stealing stuff, you’re stealing time. Do all your business at work, from paying bills to doing your taxes. Every job has some down time. Some jobs have a bunch. Normally, people use that time to read humor blogs and fantasize about hanging out with the authors of those blogs and maybe bringing them some chips. But reading stuff on the internet is just the tip of the goofing off iceberg. There are all sorts of ways to goof off, from taking long lunch breaks to sleeping under your desk. One of the authors of this blog once worked a retail gig with this guy who would disappear shortly after the beginning of his shift and then reappear toward the end. No one could figure out where he was going. This particular job had an office on the second floor with a window that looked out over the floor. So, someone went in the office and watched while paging the guy. After a moment, he crawled out from underneath a fixture. He’d set up a little nest in there, with snacks, drinks, a couple magazines to read. He was immediately fired. This man is our hero.
Work a Second (Or Third or Fourth) Job On the Clock
Maybe you’re not one for goofing off; you want to be more productive. We could call you a shill for Capitalism, but we try not to insult our readers much. We mostly stick to insulting their moms. Anyway, what you want is to turn that downtime into a revenue stream. The great thing about working (on another job) while at work is that it makes you look super-productive, as long as no one investigates what you’re actually doing.
The downside is that you have less time to steal stuff from Greg. Life is about compromise, we suppose. Maybe you could convince someone else to take over stealing stuff from Greg. Maybe enlist an entire Dickensian ring of child thieves. Or Jim in the mail room, who always wants to do shrooms with you. Also, you should totally do shrooms with Jim.
We’ve already mentioned sleeping under your desk, which is a great move for novices. But a truly master-level goofer-offer won’t just stop there. If you’re resourceful, you can find plenty of other places to sleep. Bathroom napping is a given, but there are more advanced locales. You can bribe the cleaning crew to let you sleep in the maintenance closet, but again, this isn’t truly challenging. How about the fridge in the break room, for example? Disguise yourself as a half-eaten sandwich (be sure to dye your hair green and brown to resemble mold so no one “accidentally” eats you).
Or, if you’re bold, sleep in your boss’s office. Disguise yourself as a bookcase or potted plant. There’s no real downside to this. Your boss is probably taking naps in there already. When he locks his door to “work,” you’ll be free to whisper into his ear to influence his dreams. “Give Tony a raise” is a good one. Or “Fire Greg for stealing.”
Haha like anyone’s having sex with you. Please. Unless you’re talking about the solo kind, and that’s gross. Don’t do that at work. People live there.
So you have a place where you live and a place where you work. What’s up with that? There are whole countries where no one has even one house, but you’re cool with having multiple places where you hang. When you’re at work, your home is just sitting there taking up valuable space, unproductive. When you’re home, your workspace is just so much empty land, where probably a family of five could live comfortably. Okay, not comfortably, but you get the idea.
So why not move into your office? You already spend most of your time there, tbh. Why not make it all of your time? You won’t have to pay utilities anymore. You already mostly eat takeout, so why even have a kitchen? You can get a gym membership or go to the Y to shower. You can keep your clothes in your desk, or rent out room in the maintenance closet. One interesting thing you will probably discover is that you’re not the only one living there. You may just become part of a rich and vibrant community of office livers, who all celebrate their resourcefulness almost as much as they hate Greg.
We’ve had a lot of fun talking about sticking it to the man, but something that isn’t so fun is Greg. Sure, he’s a douche bag who’s always sticking his manbun in where it doesn’t belong, but the Gregs of the world aren’t just annoying annoyances who annoy. They’re also bullies who hide their jerkiness behind a thin veil of professionalism. What we’re saying is it’s okay to steal Greg’s desk, because Greg is stealing your soul. We don’t mean that euphemistically; we mean literally, he’s a demon from hell and he’s stealing your soul. Pour a circle of salt around your desk to keep him away. Throw some holy on him and watch him smoke. And then steal his pen.