How To Even..Survive New Year’s

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Every twelve months, at the dawning of the new year, the dark lord, Skhooby’dhoo, is able to traverse the ectoplasmic time-space membrane, grown thin, between this realm and its own. It is during this time that all must fear for their very souls, as Skhooby’dhoo, the Soul Devourer, is always hungry. Fortunately, the one thing Skhooby’dhoo’s voracious appetite cannot consume is the juice of the wizened grape or the fermented grain. This is why we drink on New Year’s, to make our blood, our very souls, unappealing.

But Skhooby’dhoo, the Soul Devourer, isn’t the only danger during this time. Sh’ggy, the Eternal Virgin, also prowls the night searching for victims. Sh’ggy seeks those who are lonely and susceptible to its lies. When Sh’ggy spies someone, it offers them sweet bribes, such as action figure collectibles still in their boxes. But beware, once the seal has been broken, they will lessen in value for all time. It is because of our fear for Sh’ggy that the tradition of kissing someone on New Year’s began. Also, because we’d been drinking and were hoping to get laid (spoiler: we’re not going to get laid).