How To Even…Survive Global Warming

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

A week or so ago, a bunch of Federal agencies released a major scientific report that laid out the consequences of a changing climate, consequences such as massive crop failures, devastating forest fires, water scarcity, and deadly heat waves. It’s hard to deny that we should be concerned and must now look to our leaders for action to tackle this threat, since they surely have our best interests in mind. However, in the likely event that they are unable to prevent the worst case scenario from happening, we at How To Even are here to help you — in our forward looking way — prepare for that possibility.

First, we know the preferred term is “climate change.” This is because if you go into your kitchen, open the door of your freezer, and look in, you’ll see ice cubes in there, or at least frozen peas. Therefore, the globe must not be warming, unless your freezer is on a different planet. Which, you know, we’re not judging. It’s irrefutable scientific arguments like these that led to the use of “climate change” instead of “global warming.”

But the fact remains that our climate is changing, and mostly that translates to things hottening up, and not in a sexy time way. Ask anyone who isn’t a CEO of an oil company. Even most of the stupid ones are starting to catch on. (Just kidding. We know there are no…