How to Even…Survive a Paranormal Encounter

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

A lot of people don’t believe in paranormal phenomenon. That’s fair. We don’t believe in love, but our kids cry every time we try explaining why to them. What we’re saying is that, for the sake of peace, we’ve decided to entertain the possibility that there are things in this world that we can’t or shouldn’t explain. So, let’s explain some of them.

Let’s say there are such things as ghosts, werewolves, vampires, and the ability to feel joy. And let’s then say you encounter one of these difficult-to-explain phenomena. Something that most of these phenomena share is that, in our cultural heritage regarding them (i.e. movies from the 80s) they tend to want to kill us. Why? If we understood that, we probably wouldn’t consider them paranormal anymore. They’d be just like everyone else. Except with the possibility of a Lou Diamond Phillips cameo.

The first step in surviving a paranormal encounter is to soil yourself like Ted Nugent in front of a draft board. Hear us out on this. The vast majority of paranormal creatures are deeply offended and even scared by the smell of human feces. So, let slip the “dogs” of war, as it were, and live to dry clean another day. Of course, if the paranormal being you encounter is a phi krasue (also called a brre’ht-kh’avanaw, or “poop demon”), you’ve essentially…