How To Even…Survive a Crash

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

As America becomes great again and Americans become lazier and lazier, we depend more on machines to carry us around. This frees up our hands for drinking 128-ounce slushies and eating quadruple-pounders with cheese bombs, which is awesome. (On a side note, check out GushBled Brand Portable Defibrillators. For the home, the office, or your car! GushBled Brand Portable Defibrillators plug into your car lighter for easy use and include a thirty-foot cord. Now with grease resistant Acu-Glow coating!)

Unfortunately, going really fast while doing other stuff means more and more wrecks happen. Wrecks can be loud, scary, and bad for vehicle resale values. Also, that pesky death and dismemberment factor. Some vehicles are safer to crash than others, but each present specific challenges. Let’s explore a few kinds of vehicles and what to do when they inevitably crash.

Cars

Cars are big and generally stupid looking. Except yours. It’s nice. They go beep and are kind of killing everything on Earth. Just a bit. But they also come in pretty colors (like yours!) and can be a substitute for lack of sexual prowess, so that’s okay.