How to Even…Summon a Demon To Solve All Your Problems

How To Even…
10 min readApr 4, 2019

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

You work hard. You follow the rules and play fair. You take care of yourself. You try to stay positive. In other words, you’re nothing like the writers of this blog. But, more to the point, none of this is working. You can’t get ahead. In fact, you’re losing ground every day. Why is this? What’s happening here?

The truth is, the game is rigged. The deck is stacked against you. The porcupine’s quills only point east. We’re running out of idioms, here. But what we’re saying is, if you were dumb enough to be born poor, then you’re screwed. Yes, it’s unfair. It’s been like this for thousands of years. The rich exploit the poor. The middle class exploits the poor. The poor exploit the poor. The key point, here, is don’t be poor.

But how can I avoid that?! As we all know, saving money is impossible. You’re also deeply in debt. (Not our fault! This blog is very reasonably priced!) Living is expensive, even more so when you’re poor. Getting a good job is expensive. If you get a decent one, you’ll work yourself nearly (or not so nearly) to death just to stay afloat and maybe have enough set aside to retire when you’re in your 70s. If you make it that long, and if no one steals your retirement. (Spoiler: they’re going to steal your retirement.)

It all seems hopeless. In fact, it is. You should give up and lie down and hope for the welcome succor that is death.

Are you at the bottom? Do you have no options left? Are you completely and totally without hope that things will get better?

Good. Let’s talk about Satan.

Here’s the thing. We’re not going to tell you that Satan gets a bad rap. He’s the lord of hell and spends eternity devising ways to torture the souls of sinners like you. He deserves the bad rap.

But he’s good at his job. And let’s face it, do you really think you’re going to heaven at this point? I mean, really? Even after that thing you did when you were twelve? You know the one. Yeah, you were a kid, but still, dude. That was fucked up. That’s just one example. You know there are more. Satan certainly knows.

Honestly, your damnation is inevitable. So why not enjoy life a bit before all that flaming…