So, yeah. End times, huh? Kind of thought they’d be more…exciting, amirite? For a lot of us, it’s mostly just doing the same stuff we used to do in the office, but with a crappier internet connection and stir crazy kids running around screaming because we’re failing to home school them while also failing to maintain job productivity and probably failing in a bunch of other ways we haven’t realized yet today. But that’s what 2 a.m. is for.
Aside from all that suffering and dying going on — which is decidedly not funny, so we’re pretending it doesn’t exist for the duration of this article — the real struggle is how to stay sane when you’re staring at the same however many walls you have every day? Who would’ve thought leaving and going to an office would be so necessary? Here are some things we’ve been doing to keep it together.
Be Super Productive
Two of the most unexpected shortages at the grocery store have been yeast and flour. Maybe people thought bread would never come back, so they made bread starters. Maybe they just wanted some company. Hey, we get it. Our sourdough Jennifer Love Hewitt didn’t come out quite as we’d hoped it would, but that doesn’t mean we consider it a failure. More of a learning experience.
Also, there’s the whole garden thing. Maybe killing some plants is a way to establish dominance over nature. Viruses are kind of like little plants, right? No? Well, dang. I guess we’re just bad at gardening.
Anyway, keeping busy is an age-old way of avoiding dealing with reality. Just look at some of the amazing adventures huwomanity has come up with over the millennia. You think somebody wasn’t seriously avoiding some stuff at home when they came up with the waffle iron? Or the chalupa? Kind of puts our Jennifer Love Hewitt bonsai fern in perspective.
Start Meditation/Yoga/Screaming Non-stop
Different people find peace in different ways. Some like to calm themselves by sitting still but definitely not falling asleep. Some find it by subtly farting in the back of the room while stretching. Others — and we’re definitely in this group — really need to let it all out so the neighbors know just how hard it is for us to open this jar of pickles.
There’s probably some spiritual component to all this, but for us, it’s really about letting the pickles, and the neighbors, and we guess Mother Earth or something know that we’re struggling right now, and also we’re really embarrassed by everything that just happened. Sorry.
Cyber-Stalk Your Ex’s Social Media
This is a bad idea. If you’re doing it, it’s probably because they dumped you. Seeing them posting pictures of the sourdough starter they made (named #freedom) and the balcony garden they planted while you are literally swimming in a pile of empty snack cake wrappers is probably going to make you feel a little sad inside. And the FBI agents monitoring you are really going to feel rough.
Really, dwelling on the past in any way is probably a bad idea right now. Thinking about back when you could go outside without being afraid you might kill someone? Nope. Thinking about that crappy relationship you had three years ago that was still the best relationship you ever had but wasn’t actually that good? Nope. But probably, probably still gonna think about that.
How about, instead, we look to the future! To a time when we can go to the grocery store without wearing a mask (unless you’re a robber, which, hey, you do you) or start some new crappy relationship doomed to failure so you sad sack about it at some future point.
Start a Side Hustle
This is America, which means that if you’re not monetizing whatever you’re doing, you’re making baby Jeff Bezos cry. So why not make some money while you’re trapped inside? Here are some options, off the tops of our heads. You could probably come up with tons better ones if you spend more than the 30 seconds we did on it:
We’ve all…heard of…webcam modeling, or whatever they call pornography these days. But a lot of folks aren’t really feeling it these days, if you know what we mean. They want to know there’s someone out there who feels like they do. So, why not broadcast yourself crying? People can request that you cry about certain things, like how bad your last loaf of sourdough turned out, or the fact that the real Jennifer Love Hewitt said your Jennifer Fern Hewitt was, “One of the top five saddest things she’s ever seen?” You’re probably going to be crying alone, anyway. Why not do it for a tipping audience?
Start Your Own Reality Show
You’re stuck in your home with your family. Sure, you love each other, but after a couple weeks, people start to disappear, and baby Huey is looking mighty self-satisfied (and is she gaining weight?).
Like the song says, well the fights start coming and they don’t stop coming. You’ve got to live with it, but maybe somebody else would — maybe they’d even pay for it!
We know what you’re thinking: why would someone watch my dumb family argue? Um, have you seen reality TV? That’s pretty much all it is — people arguing, often while stuck in some place.
But this isn’t a family-exclusive opportunity. Maybe you live with a group of roommates. Maybe you live in an apartment building, and the people above you smoke pot and listen to shitty music too loud all day while you’re trying to figure out how to change your background on Zoom. None of us is our best selves right now, so why not cash in on it?
Make More Than Masks
A lot of folks have started side-hustles selling masks on Etsy, but why stop there? Why not make full Hazmat suits at home? Or go even further: make universal healthcare coverage. You can give it fun and funky colors and divert military spending to fund it.
Do Literally Anything Or Nothing With Your Time Because There’s a Freaking Plague On
Kind of self-explanatory, really.
We’re all scared, worried about that time we sneezed yesterday, worried the neighbors can see us parading around in our underwear, worried they won’t keep watching.
Lots of folks still have to go to work. You know all that stuff people keep ordering online? Somebody’s got to deliver it. It’s a privilege to be able to quarantine. Let’s not forget that. Some people are on the front lines. We’re not here to lecture any of you. We’re just making dumb jokes.