How to Even…Start a New Job

Starting a new job is an exercise in duplicity. You’ve made a passable effort convincing these folks that you’re competent with your resume, interviews, and bribery, and you’ve gotten the job. Hooray! Now, you’re realizing you’ve got to maintain that pretense for possibly several years, depending on how good a liar you are. This is what’s known as the “Oh Shit” moment.

The first thing to do is to have six bottles of wine and watch the YouTube tutorials on ‘What To Do On Your First Day.’ That will probably cover some useful tips, but there will inevitably be a few holes in the coverage. Or maybe you just passed out before they got to it. Regardless, we’re here to help.

Dress for The Job You Want

It’s widely recognized that the way a person dresses on the first day at a new job will determine how others treat you. This is very true because people kind of suck that way, but it doesn’t have to stop with wearing a tie or nice shoes. Let’s say you want to be an ostrich — have ever since you were little. Ostriches kick ass. This is a widely unrecognized fact. Ostriches have awesome necks. They can run super fast. And they’re actually quite tall. These are all good things to explain to HR as you’re being escorted from the building. Maybe you’ll even change some minds…and some hearts.