How To Even…Start a Flower Garden

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

We all have stress in our lives. Work. Family drama. Bills. Timmy. What would be great would be if we could find a way to release some of that stress in a productive way that might lead to something useful or at least tangible. But there’s never time for that. Instead, we let the stress build and build until you’ve already been at work three hours past quitting and your boss is hovering over your desk asking you to come in early tomorrow, which is a Saturday, and suddenly you’re stabbing him in the throat with a pen and shoving his body into the trunk of your car.

And now you’re home and you have a body to dispose of, but you don’t have the time to do it properly. No pigs or lye at hand. It’s BBQ off-season. Whatever the situation — we’re not here to judge. It’s 2 a.m., and you’ve dug a massive hole in your yard using mostly your hands and a soup spoon, buried that fucking guy, and are left with a lot of loose dirt and a torn-up yard. Your neighbors are going to ask questions, especially if they heard all the yelling and crying.

Not to worry. Problems have solutions; you just have to figure them out. That’s why we’re here: to help you. Instead of paving over your yard — what are you, John Wayne Gacy? — how about planting a flower garden? It’s the perfect way to hide the decomposing body while also sprucing up your lame-o exterior. Turn those negatives into positives! Turn that frown upside down!

Or look at it another way. Everyone needs a hobby. Hobbies give you an opportunity to enhance your life. They allow you to relax while remaining mentally productive. Having a hobby promotes better health and lowers high blood pressure. It can reduce the risk of depression and dementia. Hobbies refocus your brain towards something that you enjoy doing. If the hobby includes a physical activity, such as lifting a heavy load out of the trunk of your car, digging a hole to dump it in, and then doing some landscaping over that very spot, it can create chemical changes in your body that help to reduce stress.

Deep breath.