How To Even…SPRING BREAK

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

History

Spring Break is a magical time in a young person’s life when their base instincts overwhelm their intelligence and common sense and pull them South. Science has only begun to understand how and why this happens. Some theorize that the females of the species are attracted by cheap drink prices and the males are attracted by the large deposits of feral Bermuda shorts. Another theory is that there are magnets in people’s brains pulling them toward the South Pole, which is slightly more magnetic than the North Pole because of all the ball bearings that have rolled down there. The answer is probably some blending of the many theories out there. However, most experts agree that these young people get to somewhere with a beach and become confused by the sand and start drinking.

In spite of all this theorizing, we don’t know for sure why young people are drawn to participate in Spring Break, but the effects of their behaviors have led to profound changes in local ecosystems. An example of this would be the newly discovered Schlitz Tall Boy Bird, affectionately known as “the bruh,” which is a tiny variety of flightless bird specifically adapted to live in discarded Schlitz Tall Boy cans, usually found near beaches. Previously, these birds made their nests in discarded turtle and sea shells, but dwindling turtle…