By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

If you’ve been out of touch lately, binge watching all 20 seasons of The Flying Nun reboot: 2 Sexy for This Habit, we have some good news that you may have missed.

The only thing you need to be healthy is to have the right kind of germs living inside your body.

Shocked? Alarmed? Skeptical? We understand, and yet there’s a grain of truth to that medical statement we just pulled out of our butts. (trigger warning: we’re going to be doing a lot of talking about butts in this How To Even, so you might want to refrain from having that can of chili while reading this)

What Are Probiotics?

First off, let’s clear the air. You have germs living in you. We know, we know, but it’s true. All kinds of them. Not just germs — there are all kinds of things living on you. Spiders. Mimes. Tourists — well, they’re just visiting. But we’re going to focus on this one specific thing out of the probably millions of things that live on or in you. And pooping on and in you. And having sex on and in you. Like in your ears. Right now. Banging away. You can almost hear them.

Scientists will tell you that probiotics are tiny, invisible beings that can boost your health, like leprechauns with paramedic training. We have no idea what that means, but we’re guessing something like this: your whole body is filled with viruses, bacteria, protozoa, yeasts, fungi, lost socks, and arbitrary opinions that control everything you do, say, and hear.

If these things are so teensy (except for the socks), why are they so important? First, for every one of your body’s cells, there are exactly 900 kazillion kazillion microbes (all that stuff above, except your stupid opinions). This means 93% of you body mass is made up of these tiny organisms — bacteria, yeast, etc. (although contents may have settled during shipment).

Your Microbiome

What is a microbiome? First off, right now most of you are thinking about the Pauly Shore vehicle, 1996’s smash hit, Biodome. Unfortunately, we’re no longer allowed to write about Biodome per Medium’s Give It a Rest Already, Jeez, policy. But if you would like to talk privately about this masterpiece of cinema, feel free to email us. (Email available from any reputable Russian hacker.)

No, we’re talking about biomes, which are…hold on…*frantically Googling.* Um, really? That’s what that means? Okay, well. Biomes are, apparently, something we learned about in grade school, which was before most of the drugs did a number on our memories, so that’s all long dead. But here it is: Biomes are communities of plants and animals.

So, if you want to have a healthy biome, the first thing you have to do is eliminate whatever is encroaching upon it, i.e. land developers, polluters, and industry. Real quick, let’s go ahead and head off some bad faith takes on this. We’re not talking about all people because not all people are megacorporations that pollute or pillage vast swaths of the environment. The combined pollution of average citizens could never compete with that of the top, let’s say 10 worst offending corporations.

Let’s pause a moment and talk about pangolins. Are you aware of these guys? Pangolins are pretty freaking cool. They’re like a cross between an armadillo and a dragon. They eat ants, which is why everyone should have one for their kitchen. And their tongues can get to those hard to reach places throughout your home.

But, just like Central Park, inside *you* yourself is also a kind of biome, something called a microbiome. This microbiome is a collection of all the genomes of all the microbes that live inside you, rent free. Don’t ask us what that sentence means, because we copied from the notoriously objective and reliable Conservapedia. So: true.

Diversify Your Gut Bacteria

As we said at the beginning of this post, your human microbiome is essential to your health and well being. It controls your digestion, immune system, central nervous system, and other processes, such as watching Dance With The Stars on Mondays at 8 pm.

Because of this, it’s in your interest to keep your own microbiome healthy, happy, and content. We, the knowledgeable and science-y authors of this blog are here to help.

Where Is Your Microbiome?

Your microbiome is everywhere you are, but mostly in your gut. This is why our leaders say that their gut is smarter and more reliable than anyone else’s brain. Or their own brain, for that matter. Some of the more forward-looking Big Deals have had their brains removed and replaced with their gut, where it will be closer to their mouth for talking purposes. And you can tell.

But the takeaway here is that if you want to have a healthy microbiome, you need to diversify your gut bacteria. The other takeaway is you may have noticed we have a tough time getting to the point. Look at that butterfly!

The Plasticity Of The Human Gut

Medical science doctor people talk about something called the plasticity of the human gut. We can get a deal on some luxury vinyl siding for your stomach. DM us for a brochure.

Getting Probiotics

Yoghurt. The most pressing issue concerning yogurt is how do you spell it? The most popular choices at the moment seem to be yogurt, yoghurt, yogourt, yoghourt, and youuoughuurt, though Yog-Sothoth is off the table, for now at least.

Kombucha. Remember that movie, The Blob? Kombucha is basically a little Blob that you drink. It’s what you get when you put some sugar in tea and then add, oh let’s say, for example, a load of fungus and bacteria. These critters form a floating raft on top of the lake of tea in the hope of sailing it down the Mississippi of your esophagus to escape slavery. The exact origins of kombucha are not known, except it’s obvious that aliens from Venus are involved.

Fecal Transplant. We’ll just…let’s move on.

Dirt. Who knows, dirt might have all sorts of good stuff in it. The only way to find out is to eat a bunch. That’s how penicillin was discovered. You could be the next Marie Curie!

Sauerkraut. If you want a German microbiome, which comes with the ability to waltz and understand the phenomenology of spirit.

Kimchi. If you want an Asian or Korean microbiome. Probably comes with cool martial arts abilities and a bunch of koans.



The most important thing in life is your health, because without it you’d be dead. The second most important thing in your life is your street cred, which is pretty much the same thing. Without one, you can’t have the other. So you should eat more yogurt, is what we’re saying. Preferably frozen. But what we’re dancing around here is that the best thing about frozen yogurt is the toppings. We all know this, but we all tacitly pretend it’s somehow a healthy alternative to ice cream. But honestly, who cares? Live it up.

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