How To Even…Probiotic

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

If you’ve been out of touch lately, binge watching all 20 seasons of The Flying Nun reboot: 2 Sexy for This Habit, we have some good news that you may have missed.

The only thing you need to be healthy is to have the right kind of germs living inside your body.

Shocked? Alarmed? Skeptical? We understand, and yet there’s a grain of truth to that medical statement we just pulled out of our butts. (trigger warning: we’re going to be doing a lot of talking about butts in this How To Even, so you might want to refrain from having that can of chili while reading this)

What Are Probiotics?

First off, let’s clear the air. You have germs living in you. We know, we know, but it’s true. All kinds of them. Not just germs — there are all kinds of things living on you. Spiders. Mimes. Tourists — well, they’re just visiting. But we’re going to focus on this one specific thing out of the probably millions of things that live on or in you. And pooping on and in you. And having sex on and in you. Like in your ears. Right now. Banging away. You can almost hear them.

Scientists will tell you that probiotics are tiny, invisible beings that can boost your health, like leprechauns with paramedic training. We have no idea what that means, but we’re guessing something like…