How to Even…Make Your Bed

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Did you know that seventy three people die every year from making their beds improperly? No? That’s probably because we made it up. The real number is almost TWICE AS LARGE. “But why haven’t I heard about it?” you may be asking. Maybe it slipped in under your radar. Maybe you blocked out something so terrifying you didn’t want to think about. Or maybe because Big Bed doesn’t want you to know the truth. Who can say?

We can. It’s definitely Big Bed. And the media? Either they don’t know, don’t show, or don’t care about what’s goin’ on in the bedroom. (We’d just like to apologize for that Boyz in the Hood reference and state that it was done out of love and really doesn’t require a lawsuit.) But the fact remains that making your bed can cause serious injury and even permanent death if done improperly.

Benefits to a Well-Made Bed

> Impresses the kind of people who collect cat figurines.

> Hides the disgusting nature of your sheets.

> Holds the void at bay.

Parenthetical Note

(Warning, and we can’t stress this enough, no matter how tempted you may be, never use a chainsaw to make a bed. This is because chainsaws tend to be very messy. They fling wood pulp everywhere and often drip oil. They’re…