When people are in love, we sometimes neglect each other because hey, we’re selfish so-and-sos. Or, maybe our partner is just annoying. But we didn’t recognize that annoyingness earlier because sex. We try to ignore it and forgive, but we’re getting a lot of stress at work, and our partner just will not stop being a jackhole by breathing or existing or whatever they’re doing wrong.
The animosity, frustration, and general fuckery can build up to the point of explosion, which means a fight, and now we’re stuck in the aftermath, wondering how we’ll get back to something approaching normalcy. Because once the ickiness is all expelled, we’ve still got to live with this person, at least until we can fake our own death, and we’d really like to not deal with the drama anymore (or the paperwork on the whole fake death thing). But how can we get back to the magical land of obliviousness? Until, you know, they piss us off again?
Change Everything about Yourself (Including Your Socks)
If you never want to fight again, you need to root out the cause of the fight. Unfortunately, the cause might just be you. Or, it might be your partner, and your dislike of everything about them. You probably can’t get them to change — hammering at them is probably at least part of what led to the argument in the first place. That means you have to change yourself. But what is it about yourself that offends? Is it your dumb face? Your dumb clothes? Your dumb way of talking? Your dumb brain? Probably, it’s all of these things, and more. So what to do?
Change it all.
But how? The easiest way to change your personality is to forget it and start over. This can be most easily accomplished through brain trauma.
But wait, you may be saying, you guys sure encourage brain trauma a lot. Are you getting kickbacks from brain surgeons or something?
Well, gentle reader, we hope to. We sure hope to.
But until then, we’re in it like the rest of you. So, let’s talk about the brain. The brain is where all of our memories are stored, which means it’s the asshole who keeps reminding us of all the stupid shit we’ve done. Sometimes, you need to slap it around a little bit to show it who’s boss. There are several ways of achieving this, such as:
- A Home lobotomy: Why pay those fatcats and Big Mental Institution to perform a lobotomy when you can do it yourself for a fraction of the cost? What will really be the difference, anyway? Sure, they had some training, but you have YouTube and a can-do attitude. They have sterilization procedures, but you ran a lighter under the straightened-out coat hanger you plan to use, so basically the same. And if you screw up, hey, you probably won’t remember anyway.
- The Mallet Method: We’ve all seen cartoons, so it’s common knowledge that hitting a person in the head hard enough makes them forget who they are or what they’re doing. It also feels really good (you can tell because you see little birdies flying around after). Or maybe that’s the pain talking. Anyway, the trick is to hit the head real hard with something heavy, like a sledgehammer or the realities of America’s culpability in certain middle-eastern conflict. Leave yourself a note in case you decide, later, that you don’t want to forget, so you can hit yourself in the head again to reverse the process.
Now that you’ve forgotten everything, you’re free to start over and probably make the exact same mistakes again. But it’s okay because you have a head injury. That will buy you a lot of leeway.
But maybe the problem isn’t you. Maybe it truly is them. It SEEMS like them. It makes logical sense that it would be them, because you’re perfect. But pointing out their flaws and mocking them ceaselessly hasn’t gotten them to change so far, so what can you do? You’ve got to try a little of the old psychological manipulation.
There are several ways to work on a person’s brain. There’s the direct method, known colloquially as rooting around in there. Maybe you think of it as a lobotomy. (See above for detailed instructions.)The basic premise is that personality is housed in the brain, so if you cut a part of the brain out, there’s a decent chance you’ll cut that piece of personality out. We mean, how big is a brain, like pretty small. If you root around in there enough, you’re bound to hit something annoying.
There are several drawbacks to this, as you’ve probably discovered if you’ve tried it on yourself. (Of course, if you have, you’re probably not reading the rest of this.) It’s probably illegal to do to someone else and potentially unsanitary, so be sure to rinse the screwdriver off before and afterward.
The real challenge is figuring out which bit to get rid of. If you get rid of the wrong part of their personality — like, the one thing you actually like about this loser — you’ll be stuck in a worse place than before. Especially if you took a couple stabs at it and did some real damage. So maybe read a Reddit thread in addition to a YouTube video.
But maybe you don’t have any power tools handy or are squeamish or something. If you don’t want to change your partner from the inside, try it from the outside. That’s right. We mean good, old-fashioned manipulation. This is a lot like the badgering and bitching you’ve been doing, but more subtle. For example, let’s say your spouse eats with their mouth full. You’ve asked, pleaded, and told them to stop, but they still do it, smacking all the time, spraying cookie crumbs far and wide like the Cookie Monster. A jury would acquit you if you murdered them, but you’re too good of a person for that. Instead, you decide to poison their food. Soon, your spouse will subconsciously link eating with getting sick and stop eating. You could go a step further and convince them that it’s caused by too much air mixing with their food or something. Hire a “doctor” to make it sound official.
Similarly, if your spouse stomps when they walk, electrify the floor. (Note: this is only valid if there’s no reason to stomp. If your partner has some kind of a back injury or is always drunk, that’s different. Or if you have bugs on the floor or the carpet is rolling up. Stop being so judgmental.)
Change Both Of You
Maybe you’re looking for a more egalitarian approach. Well bully for you, Captain Equality. It sure seems like a lot of work, but we’ll give it a shot. Basically, this approach requires the realization that you’re both flawed individuals who need to work on yourselves instead of each other, or some happy horseshit like that. You’ll need to make a commitment to root out these negative behaviors in yourselves and work through them, probably with guidance from a professional therapist of some kind blah blah blah this sure sounds expensive. We guess the upside, here, is that, when you inevitably fail and turn on each other, you’ll be able to say you tried as you systematically destroy everything the other person loves, War-of-the-Roses style.
Pretend To Be Someone Else
This is a lot like changing yourself, except mostly you just change your clothes. And add a fake (non-gender-specific) mustache (it only counts if it’s fake). Basically, what you need to do is pretend to be someone else. Dress differently. Talk differently. Change your cologne so that you smell differently. You’ll need to hide all of your supplies outside of your home so that your spouse doesn’t get wind of what you’re doing (so you’ll need to shower before you come home to get the Axe Body Spray off).
Then, approach your spouse. Maybe take a second job working with them. Or become the delivery person at their favorite eatery. Whatever cover story you choose, you’ve got to get close to them. Worm your way into their life. Build a deep connection, a strong friendship, and when that bond is true and deep, you need to bang them like wooden spoon on a pot. Bang them just the way you know they want to be banged but you’re too lazy to do. Bang them so they stay banged. And once that’s done, as they lie in post-coital bliss, remove your fake mustache and reveal that it was you all along and that you’re leaving them for cheating on you. It will fuck them up completely. Unless, of course, they then remove their fake mustache and reveal they were actually you all along. Then you’ve got a drinking-pina-colada-and-taking-walks-in-the-rain-filtered-through-a-Charlie-Kaufman-lens type situation. In that case, follow your bliss. Maybe this is your new thing.
This Is Where You Live Now
Maybe it’s not worth the trouble to you to change everything about yourself or your partner, because you’re both so obviously flawed that it would take complete rebuilding, and you just don’t have the parts. That’s cool. But this awkwardness you’ve been experiencing since the fight? That’s where you live now. Get comfy. Because unless something changes, it’s just going to happen again and again.
But maybe you’re okay with that. Maybe you’re just not compatible with your significant other, but you’re comfortable with not really thinking about that. Unfortunately, this fight revealed the truth. So, what you need in this scenario is a shortcut to get you back to oblivion. What are some good ways to do that?
There’s a decent chance the only thing keeping you together with your significant other is sex. So, have some sex! Maybe you need to seduce your partner because they’re still mad at you. Think about what they like most — let’s say it’s squirrels. Everybody likes squirrels. So, dress up as a squirrel and ask them to help you bury your nuts. Or their nuts. Or acorns. Look, you’re going to have to work out the specifics in your weird little sex life. The bullet point, here, is that you’ll be banging your way back to the status quo in no time.
Maybe sex isn’t the thing. Maybe it’s food. That’s equally messy, but in a different way. Basically, instead of screwing your partner into thoughtless oblivion, you’re going to feed them into oblivion. But you get to eat, too, so it still works out. If you like to cook, this can be a great thing to do. If you don’t, order in. Also, of course, feel free to combine this with Makeup Sex, but that requires more cleanup.
Hire Actors To Be a Better Couple
But maybe we’re coming at this all wrong. Instead of changing each other or yourself or making up, maybe you should farm out this whole couple-hood thing to someone more competent. Put an ad in the paper or taped to a telephone pole for a couple of actors to play you, but younger, more attractive versions of you, of course. Give them scripts, tell them to go heavy on improvisation, sit on the couch with a bowl of popcorn, and let them go to town being you. Watch them watch television, do the dishes, talk about their days. It will be more compelling than your own life because it’s someone else doing it (and you’re paying for it). Pretty soon, that spark will return to your marriage. Or, you can write that into the script, at least. If you get bored with them or feel like they’re in a rut, fire them and hire new, younger, or more diverse actors. Or switch networks.
Whatever method you use to clear the air, the important thing is that you maintain the relationship. There is nothing worse than being single. It doesn’t matter if you’re so miserable you cry all the time, consider suicide, sleep around; whatever you have to do to keep things going, do it. You don’t want to be one of those sad, single people, going on trips with friends, doing whatever they want, enjoying life without someone ruining everything, coming home from work NOT to be greeted by a sour argument. Ugh. What a miserable existence! Nope, do whatever it takes to keep the relationship going so that you don’t become one of those pitiful, contented losers.