How To Even…Make Money at College

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

College is heckin’ expensive. Until the inevitable education bubble bursts, it’s only going to get worse. Sure, you cheated on standardized testing to get admission, and assassinated your own parents to get that college essay topic that guaranteed a free ride, but now you’ve got to pay for all sorts of other stuff like food, drugs, clothes, and drugs. Unfortunately, working full-time sucks and is kind of hard to do while you’re a full-time student because of the drugs and lack of real-world experience or work ethic. So how can you make ends meet? We’ve got a few tips to help out.

Sell Body Parts

Everyone’s familiar with the idea of selling plasma or even sperm or eggs to make a little money, but why stop there? You’ve got all those fingers and toes, do you really need them? You surely don’t need both kidneys or eyes, and scars and eye patches are super sexy.

If you’re squeamish, just remember that the parts don’t actually have to be yours. You’ve got a roommate who seems to sleep pretty deeply, after all. You let them borrow your stapler one time. They owe you.

Rent Out Your Room as an AirBnB

Tons of families visit colleges every year to help them decide which one to go into devastating debt for. Sure, they can tour the campus and maybe sit in on a class, but for that authentic experience, they need to spend the night. That’s where you come in. You can rent out your space for potential future students — or vacationers looking for a good deal. They’ll be fully immersed in the smells and sounds of college, from the stench of the bathrooms to the late-night sobbing coming from…somewhere….everywhere.

If you have a single, this will be no problem. If you share a room, you’ll need to work it out with your roommate somehow. Perhaps they won’t mind cuddling with strangers or even you. If you feel that this might be awkward, it’s probably best not to warn them beforehand. When the guests arrive, your roommate/s will be too polite to argue as they all pile in. If your roommate complains too much, just remind them that college is meant to be a time of experimentation and memory-making. They’ll never forget the week they spent bunking with the Japanese sumo wrestlers on tour.

Raise Heritage Livestock In Your Dorm Room

You know what everybody likes? Pigs. They’re smart. They’re affectionate. They taste great. And they’ll devour a body in a matter of minutes. Pigs grow to be quite large and ungainly, but when they’re babies, they’re small and cute. Or maybe you have a religious prohibition against pork. How about calves? They’re just as cute and super fuzzy. Or lambs? Heck, just about any baby livestock is adorable, and with a herd of them in your room. you’ll be the hit of the building. You could charge people to pet them as emotional support animals, which actually might keep any school officials off your back. (Not that school officials care what students get up to in dorms. Where do you think they buy their drugs from?)

Most dorms rooms aren’t carpeted, which is a good thing. Keeping your livestock in diapers would really cut into your profit margin, not to mention the environmental impact of all those diapers. (Think of the future, people.) Let them do their business and shovel it out the window. Honestly, no one will be able to tell the difference in smell from a room full of livestock or a room full of teenagers. Plus, with all that fertilizer you’re shoveling, the quad is going to look green as heck. (Well, brown at first. Again, who will be able to tell the difference? They’ll just assume it’s seniors pooping on the lawn as usual.) Or, if you’re the industrious type, you could sell it to local gardeners.

Start An After-Hours Hot Spot

When people go off to college, they usually don’t know many, if any, people, there. It’s their first time away from home and their old friends. College is different from high school in that students aren’t forced to occupy space for no real reason and therefore don’t easily develop relationships based on mutual hatred of their oppressors. So how else can they kill time until graduation? At an underground juke joint, of course.

Turning your dorm room into an after-hours joint can take a little bit of work. First, you have to make sure your roommate won’t narc on you. Blackmail may be in order. Or, you can take the easy route of getting them hooked on fentanyl with you as their only supplier.

Things You’ll Need for a Successful Hot-Spot:

  • Booze. This is easily obtainable from various older siblings or folks with fake IDs. But why not take it a step further and start your own microbrewery? Befriend an engineering major or trek across the street to the VoTech and find someone who knows how to use pipes to help you construct your still. Since your roommate is now prowling the dorm in search of a fix or on the nod who knows where, you can replace their bed with the still. You’ll also need their closet space for barrels to age it in. (We recommend the timeless quality of oak.)
  • Drink containers. Now that you’ve got the booze, you need something to drink it out of. Solo cups will eat into your profits since you can only rinse them out so many times, and they break easily. Besides, you want something more distinctive than that. Why not go over to the art shack (sorry, “building”) and have a talk with the pottery teacher. The pottery “room” is literally full of cups and bowls and really anything you’d need, as long as you don’t mind how terrible they look. Some of them will even hold liquid. You could pretend to be a former student picking up your project. The pottery teacher will be so excited, they won’t even notice this is the fifteenth time you’ve come through, wearing a different hat, mustache, mole, or fake nose each time. They’ll just be glad to get rid of some of this crap. And the distinctive look of your cups will add an ironic hipster quality to your hot-spot. College kids love that bullshit.
  • Space. You don’t necessarily need seating. You don’t want people sticking around, after all. You want them paying and then leaving. They can come back if they want more. But some of them are going to stick around, and it’s not like you can knock out a wall to make more room; people live on the other side. So what can you do? Most dorm rooms are around ten feet tall. That’s a lot of room. Most of that is just empty space with the odd head jutting into it. Why not split it up? Your junkie roommate will do anything for a fix, at this point, even carpentry. Have them turn your dorm room into a split level. Sure, folks will have to squat or hunch down, but after a few “cups” of your home brew, they won’d be able to stand, anyway. Note: If you’re using your space for livestock during the days. Drive the cattle, or whatever, out onto the quad to graze at night and use that space for partying.
  • Name your place and your booze. This is probably the most important aspect of a successful business. They can be interchangeable names, but let’s start with the booze name. Your booze needs a provocative name that says, “Hey, I’m not controlled by the patriarchy, I own the patriarchy.” Some examples would be: Hopsplaining. Emotional Lager. Ale Lives Matter. #wheattoo. (When the “feminists” i.e. “human beings who aren’t completely emotionally stunted” complain, tell them to learn to take a joke. Then, shake your head at the failing state of discourse in our once proud nation while staring into the distance. You’ve got a long road ahead, you bastion of men’s rights.) As for your place, it needs an esoteric name. Or possibly no name. If your customers don’t understand it, all the better. For example, you could call it, The Barn, but that’s a little on the nose. (Since they can smell that it’s actually a barn.)

Fast Food Franchise

You know who gets hungry in the middle of the night? Vampires. However, the undead are notorious cheapskates. They’ve had centuries to hone their frugal ways, and we are all the poorer for it. But, just like Mr. or Ms. Nosferatu, college students also get hungry late at night, usually after waking up after sleeping through all their classes only to discover that the cafeteria is closed. And, unlike vampires, collegers have little or no conception of money. You can capitalize on their hunger along with their naivete by opening a food franchise in your dorm room that will draw them in.

What kind of fast food place should you install in your dorm room? It doesn’t matter, as long as it’s closer than any competing grease palace. College students will forego niceties like food preference or how it tastes if the food is close enough and quick enough. We suggest one of the cheaper franchises, such as Jack In The Box or Long John Silvers. Any place that serves something called “h’angry chicken hash” or “fish planks” has got to have a decent profit margin.

Bonus: Your roommate can easily be blackmailed or press-ganged into service as a fry cook or burger flipper and do double duty at the counter (if you can keep them focused and on their feet).

CIA Safe House

You know who’s broke? You. You know who isn’t broke? The CIA. With all the money they’ve made from the War On Drugs and various puppet regimes, they’re positively flush. Why not get in on that? But wait, you may be saying, what can I offer the CIA? Space. As in, a safe house. They’ve always got some foreign national they want to detain illegally. Nowadays, it’s hard to truly get off the grid. So why not hide right in the middle of things?

Pros: The CIA has a ton of money they can pay you. They’ll probably pay to fix any damage. And, they’ve got the best drugs. Hell, they distribute them!

Cons: If things become too challenging, the CIA will probably “disappear” you.


College expenses are skyrocketing every year while guaranteeing less for that investment. If you want to keep ahead of them, you’ve got to utilize some inventive ways of bringing income in while learning life skills that might actually help you make a living after graduation. Who knows, you might be able to parlay your silence into a sweet desk job at the CIA or a sweet shoveling job at the barn. Your roommate probably isn’t going to make it, after the four years of heroin addiction (not to mention grad school) which you may or may not be responsible for (you definitely are). But no one said life was easy. Except Mr. Rogers. But what did he know about smack?

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