How to Even…Lose Weight

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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99 out of 100 people you meet only care about two things: breakfast cereal, which we’ll focus on another time, and what you look like. The latter forms the entire basis of their opinion about not just your appearance, but your character, your personality, your reproductive fitness, and your ultimate worth as a human being. Are they going to judge you? They’re going to judge the living hell out of you, my friend, and they’re going to do it within the first 30 seconds of meeting you. That’s just the way people are. Back when we came down out of the trees to live on the veldt with all those tasty grubs, there wasn’t a lot of time to get to know each other deeply as a unique person with her/his own dreams and innate worth. By the time you did that, you’d both be eaten by a giant leopardosaurus, or wombatadon, or whatever (we’re not paleontologists). So we’ve evolved to make snap judgments about people that might be right or might be wrong but at least we won’t have our heads chomped off before we’ve had a chance to really connect.

Given this, we’re going to go out on a limb and assume that, if you’re reading a (parody) self-help blog, there’s something about your appearance you’d like to change. If not, well, screw you, buddy. GO BE ATTRACTIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE (also, can we have your number?). But for the rest of us, appearance is super important if you want to be ogled and admired by vacuous assholes. Unfortunately, current science estimates that 82% of people are vacuous assholes (39% vacuous, 43%assholes), especially the ones that can get you most of the stuff you want, i.e. money and, let’s be honest, sex.

Let’s be very clear here. Our intent with this section isn’t to shame obese or overweight people. We love obese people. There’s a good chance that we ourselves are obese, and more than likely overweight (reveal: we are). And have rashes (reveal: we do). Many of the people we’ve had sex with were obese, if not during, then certainly after, when they realized what they’d done. Obesity isn’t caused by a lack of morality or simple poor decision making. There are many factors involved, ranging from genetics to economics to trauma. And there’s nothing funny about trauma, even if it was dressed like a clown when it traumatized you. We would argue that actually makes it worse. But that clown is dead, buried in an iron-lined coffin filled with salt and covered with concrete. It’s not coming back. So take a breath.

The simple truth is this: Americans are obese. Every single one. We know that at this moment you’re thinking of exceptions. Oh, this skinny person, that model, this person you saw through the store front window of a spin class. These people are not American. They might be from Australia, New Zealand, or California, or they might be aliens or Russian moles infiltrating America’s top secret spin classes, but — trust us — if they were really American, they’d have a “little ‘round the middle.” And a lot in the cot.

Real Talk: losing weight is virtually impossible unless you try really, really hard for a long time, and if you haven’t killed, salted, and buried your trauma-clown, that’s tough. Because you’re likely giving up the only thing in your life that gives you joy. So, you’re going to have to find somewhere else to put all that pain, angst, and boredom, other than your belly. Even then, most people who lose a lot of weight end up putting it back on. Usually on themselves.

How to have fun without binge eating:

-Cry Alone.

-Make a List of all your failings. See how many you can add each day!

-Go to Fuddruckers and just stare at the people waddling out to their cars.

Exercise

The common wisdom tells us that, if you want to lose weight, you have to exercise regularly. Here’s the thing. The average workout burns about 27 calories. Let’s say you pick up a sheetcake on the way home from the gym, like folks do, and then eat the entire thing in one sitting while binge-watching the new Star Wars spinoff: 3 Siths and a Little Lady, like folks also do. You’re going to put all those calories right back on, and a couple more. So what have you accomplished? That is, other than providing amusement for everyone else at the gym, all of whom are 20 years younger than you, and in better shape, whether they’re technically obese or not. You’ve heard the expression “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Yeah, well, going to the gym isn’t going to do either one.

Also, exercise makes you all sweaty. Do not like.

If you’d just stayed home, you wouldn’t have to pay the gym membership. Unless you’ve already signed an agreement. Good luck getting out of that. Also, if you’d stayed home, you wouldn’t have gone to the store for that sheetcake because you wouldn’t be wearing pants. And they won’t let you in Jitney Jungle without pants. Believe us. Clearly, exercise actually does more harm than good.

Tapeworms

There’s an urban legend that models give themselves tapeworms to stay thin. It’s absolutely true, and it totally works. Game over, fatty tissue! The only problem is getting the tapeworms to begin with. You’ll need an infected person’s poo. That’s pretty easy to obtain on eBay or by hanging out around the bathroom at a really hip club. (If anyone asks what you’re doing, assure them you’re not a weirdo. People always respond well to that.) Then, simply ingest the poo and let the tapeworm offspring infect you. Next step: a new you!

Recipe for Poo-Infected Tapeworm Tea

-1/4 cup of infected poo, whole and unchopped

-2 cups lukewarm water

-Honey to taste.

When making Poo-Infected Tapeworm Tea (PITT), you must be careful not to boil your water. That could harm the tapeworms and generally send them a negative message. Otherwise, make it like you’d normally make tea, except instead of tea, you’re using feces. You’re going to want to use a lot of honey. All of it, probably. Maybe some whiskey and chocolate if you want your tapeworm to be drunk and feeling kind of romantic. But really anything you can find.

Once you’ve mixed the ingredients together, it might be a little chewier than you’re used to, but we all must suffer for beauty. It helps to hold your nose while “drinking” it. Imagine you’re somewhere far away where people don’t use the bathroom. Maybe on a beach. And everyone is staring at how hot you look lying on a towel. Because you’ll be too weak to stand, of course.

Once you’ve ingested the tapeworm larva, it will take a couple days for them to reach maturity. At first, you may notice some abdominal pain. Cramping and bleeding are common. Many people describe nightmares as the tapeworms fight for intellectual supremacy with their host body. If over-the-counter sleeping pills don’t work, any general practitioner will give you a prescription for as many as you want. One note of warning, though. Sleeping pills can make the tapeworm sluggish.

As the tapeworm/s achieves maturity, it/they will begin to dispose of your unwanted calories. Soon, you’ll be free to eat whatever you want without gaining weight. In fact, you’ll start losing weight. Many of the infected report feeling a strong connection to their tapeworm. Some think of it like a child or a pet that they are responsible for nurturing. They may name their tapeworms or try to communicate with them. An unfortunate side effect may be that you eventually die, but again, this is the price we must pay for beauty.

Did You Know?

Once you’ve been infected with tapeworms, you become an incubator for little baby tapeworms. An industrious type could develop quite a side business as a “tapeworm breeder.” This could help offset the inevitable hospital and funeral expenses.

Dieting

People ask us, do diets really work? The answer depends on what you mean by work, and what you mean by diets.

If by “work” you mean starting and maintaining a multi-billion dollar industry that thrives on the innate yearning and hopes of humans, then the answer is yes. Now, we’re not knocking or lamenting the hopes and dreams of humans here. None of us wants to give in totally to the void. Unless it has cake. Then, all bets are off. And probably all pants will be off soon, too. And all couches will be sat upon. Dang it, this is what got us in this shape in the first place!

If by “diet” you mean the sum of food and drink that forms the habitual nourishment regularly consumed by an organism or species, then the answer is also yes. Diet works because the absence of diet is starvation. Which is what most people are looking forward to when they “go on a diet.”

Here’s what we’re going to do for you. We’re going to take every diet ever conceived, combine them all, and then boil them down to a few, simple steps that will guarantee that you are, in fact, dieting.

First, choose one completely unappetizing food group, or one food group that will quickly become unappetizing if that’s all you eat. This can be bran, protein, foods that smell like feet, actual feet, cardboard, anything. It doesn’t matter.

Second, choose one of the following modifiers:

  1. Belly-shrinking
  2. Fat-burning
  3. Tummy-melting
  4. Body-sculpting
  5. Flesh-eating

Next, take the last name of your favorite teacher in high school. If you didn’t have a favorite teacher, then take the name of your first pet. Put the word “Doctor” in front of that name.

Now combine the above steps to form a phrase like the following: Dr. Poochie’s Belly-Shrinking All Cardboard Diet.

Next:

  1. Write a book about it.
  2. Profit.
  3. Use the profit to hire a full time personal trainer who will slap food out of your hand before it reaches your mouth. Extra credit: Hire a personal trainer named William Power. Anytime anyone asks you how you managed to lose weight, you can say, “It was Will Power.”

The only blog you’ll ever need. By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe Archives: https://medium.com/@howtoeven/how-to-even-archives-3eeea1f52d31

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