How to Even…Lose Weight

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

99 out of 100 people you meet only care about two things: breakfast cereal, which we’ll focus on another time, and what you look like. The latter forms the entire basis of their opinion about not just your appearance, but your character, your personality, your reproductive fitness, and your ultimate worth as a human being. Are they going to judge you? They’re going to judge the living hell out of you, my friend, and they’re going to do it within the first 30 seconds of meeting you. That’s just the way people are. Back when we came down out of the trees to live on the veldt with all those tasty grubs, there wasn’t a lot of time to get to know each other deeply as a unique person with her/his own dreams and innate worth. By the time you did that, you’d both be eaten by a giant leopardosaurus, or wombatadon, or whatever (we’re not paleontologists). So we’ve evolved to make snap judgments about people that might be right or might be wrong but at least we won’t have our heads chomped off before we’ve had a chance to really connect.

Given this, we’re going to go out on a limb and assume that, if you’re reading a (parody) self-help blog, there’s something about your appearance you’d like to change. If not, well, screw you, buddy. GO BE ATTRACTIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE (also, can we have your number?). But for the rest of us, appearance is super important if you want to be ogled and admired by vacuous assholes. Unfortunately, current science estimates that 82% of people are vacuous assholes (39% vacuous, 43%assholes)…