How To Even…Hide the Body

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Murders happen. It’s a fact of life. Unfortunately, many of them are prosecutable, which means you’ve got to get rid of the evidence in a hurry. But also well. You don’t want a hastily buried body popping up a few years later because some coyote dug up a femur of someone you killed to death over the last beer in the fridge. But that can be a challenge, especially when you’re still caught up in the adrenaline rush. Let’s run through some scenarios that might occur so that you’ll be ready when the time comes.

Let’s say you’re on a date. This dude won’t shut up about David Foster Wallace or craft beer or David Foster Wallace’s favorite craft beer, or some other upper middle class white male garbage, and then he has the audacity to try to share your brownie melt. This is a horseshit move. He had the opportunity to order his own, just like you did. “Bring two spoons?” What, is he starting a bluegrass band?

You put your arm up to fend him off, but he keeps reaching, like it’s cute or something, and then that mothertrucker gets shanked. TYLER AIN’T CUTE NO MORE. It’s nobody’s fault — except Tyler’s. It’s totally his fault. But now you’re left with a body to dispose of before the waiter returns. So what do you do? Some guy off Tinder isn’t worth going back to prison for.