How To Even…Have a Loser Thanksgiving

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

So, things haven’t worked out as well as you’d hoped. Sure, they were going great for about fifteen minutes — maybe you had a nice job, a nice relationship, a nice pie, whatever you consider success — then your life caught on fire and collapsed, and you’re left in what scientists refer to as “Losertown, population: you.” Sure, you’ve visited the dreary shores of Losertown before, that one time in college, but this time, you’re buying a house, setting up shop, putting up your shingle. You’re a local. Here’s your plaid shirt and Case IH hat.

It might seem like living in Losertown is bad enough, what with the kid charging other kids a nickel to stare at you through the window, but then the bastards start throwing holidays at you. Some of them are survivable. On Halloween you can dress up at work, give out candy to local drug dealers, go on a murder spree — however you celebrate. On Arbor day, you can fuck a tree, or whatever it is people do on Arbor day. Most other holidays, honestly, you just get drunk. But then come the big two. The Holiday Season (pause for ominous music.) You know that Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa will be a bleak fuckfest since they tend to focus on family togetherness and the pizza delivery guy won’t even take your calls anymore, but you can prepare accordingly (i.e. get drunk). But Thanksgiving can sneak…