You’re lying on a couch with a fleece blanket wrapped around you, a cup of tea or hot chocolate or booze (it’s booze) to sip from. You could stay there forever. Why would your body do this to you when it knows you’re just going to have to get up at some point, which will ruin everything? Does you body hate you? Does it revel in your misfortune? Or is it incapable of long-term planning? Let’s examine this to try to get to (make up) some answers.
We’re going to let you in on a little secret. Remember how, when we were growing up, quicksand seemed like the biggest threat we were going to have to face as adults? It was ubiquitous in movies and TV shows. People (Jungle Jim, Bud Abbot, Roy Rogers, Ronald Reagan) were always wandering into quicksand. And yet, when was the last time you actually encountered quicksand? We’re betting it’s been a while. And, we’re not trying to be elitists here, but think about the quality of the last quicksand you encountered. Was it truly dangerous or more of a shoe dampener? It’s hard to find that high end quicksand these days. And there’s a reason for that.
That reason is the couch manufacturers. See, back in the 70s and even into the 80s, couches were a struggling trade. Sure, lots of people had them just because you have to fill up that space in your living room. But bean bag chairs and a strong work ethic were quickly outpacing the couch market share. People only bought couches to look at, then they’d cover them with plastic and never use them, which meant they never had to buy another one.
Couch manufacturers were out of ideas. That’s when they turned to the marketing firm of Ferd, Derf, and Moisha. You probably haven’t heard their name, but you’re familiar with their work. They’re the ones who put cocaine in coca cola and heroin in chocolate. They explained to the couchieres that the problem is that people didn’t really need couches. The way to corner the market is to get them to really sink into couches and never get up.
The couch manufacturers took this literally. What do people sink into and are then unable to get out of? Quicksand. They scoured the country for every naturally occurring quicksand deposit they could find, drained them, and, using science, infused their new couch models with the essence of quicksand. This was a terrible idea, of course, and if the couch manufacturers hadn’t all been on New Cocaine (watermelon-kiwi flavored), they’d have realized it. Most of them went bankrupt immediately, and a bunch of smaller couch designers took over the market. These folks focused on making comfortable couches. Couches became the thing to lie on. (Thanks, also, to a new technology for secreting smack in throw cushions.)
Out of this, Big Couch was born.
So, you’re lying on the couch, perfectly content, but you have to get up for some dumb reason. First off, you need to evaluate whether it’s worth it to leave the couch. Remember, no one will ever love you as much as Couchie does.
Is it Life or Death? More importantly, is it life or death TODAY? Sure, you may be fired and eventually evicted, but when? In like a month? Come on. That’s not a real time that will ever come.
Is it Going to Lead to More Comfort? If you’re getting up to do something lame, why bother? If you’re getting up to get a candy bar, well, that’s different.
Why Are You Being Asked to Get up? Whoever is trying to make you do this obviously doesn’t love you. If they did, they wouldn’t try to rip you from the womb of rainbow happiness that is your couch.
How Long Will It Be For? If you’re just getting up for a second, that might be acceptable. If it’s going to be like 15+ minutes, that’s some bullshit.
But let’s say you get through all of this analysis and still have to get up. It’s a sad fucking indictment on humanity, we tell you.
So, now you’ve decided you’ve got to get up. But how?
Depending on the size of your pet, you could just strap a rope to them and let them haul you out of the quicksand. If you have a little yappy dog — first off, we hate you. Sorry. And it’s not just us. The whole world hates you. And if you live in an apartment with that yappy dog, WOW. We hope your couch eats you.
Again, sorry. Anyway. If you have a small pet, like a cat or a small dog, or a hamster….a small fish…a tardigrade…something like that, then you’ll either need several of them (depending on how big YOU are) or you’ll need to get your pet on a weight training program. If you live in a large, metropolitan area, there are probably several pet weight training facilities you can reach out to. Pumped Pets is a well-known national chain. There are probably local places, if you’re looking to support the local pet exercise scene.
Also, let us not gloss over the fact that strapping a bunch of kittens to you to pull you off the couch is probably the cutest image ever.
Other pets will have less problems. An ape, for example, probably has the strength to struggle you off the couch. A submissive is really your best bet. You can whip them while they pull you off the couch, and then ride them to the kitchen, or wherever you’re going.
Call the Fire Department/Paramedics
Where can you find a bunch of strong people who don’t have a problem knocking down a door you’re too lazy to open? The fire department, that’s where. Or the paramedics, though there’s overlap. They’ve also got equipment specifically made for hauling bodies around.
One downside here is that, when they realize you’re not on fire/dying, they’ll probably be pissed and threaten to send you to jail, but just invite them to sit on your couch, and they’ll get over that nonsense. Of course, there might not be room for you, now.
You can, of course, bypass the downside of the fire dept./EMTs realizing you’re not on fire/dying by starting a small, controlled blaze in one area of the couch. Maybe hide a hibachi under one of the throw pillows. Or remove most of the oxygen from the room so the burn stays at a lower level. Whatever precautions you take, be aware there’s a downside to this bypass of that other downside and it’s that, well, see the photo above.
Convince the World to Become Horizontal
Listen, we’ve been barking up this tree for years. There is literally no problem that we can think of that wouldn’t be solved if the world would just lie down and take a nap. And if there are ones that can’t be solved, they won’t mind waiting until after our nap. Or maybe they will. But who cares.
If the world were horizontal, gravity would pull you whatever direction you lean toward. So, instead of having to stand up to go into the kitchen for more queso, you could just lean toward it and fall there. you could line your walls with fleece blankets to catch you. Or just grab the queso on the way down and bounce back to the couch. It’s a beautiful dream, and we won’t have it tarnished in the comments section. I mean, we probably will, but we’ll be sad about it.
Thanks to James Bond, one thing that’s lodged in our cultural consciousness is the ejector seat. That was a dumb movie about painting everybody gold (it was the 1960’s) and what great golf caddies sumo wrestlers make, but did you know that there are real ejector seats in real life? Well, almost real life. In other words, in the air force. Yes, zoomies get to zip around at mach 7 — whatever that is — in cool-looking jet planes and wear gear and snog it up with Kelly McGillis AND get to eject themselves and their seats whenever they want.
What does this have to do with the herculean task of getting off the couch? Two words: military surplus. Any online army surplus outlet is sure to have last year’s model Eject-O-Seat from the Symbionese Liberation Army, or Uzbekistan Air Force Reserves. You can probably find the installation instructions online. Just wire it to your comfy couch and settle in. When it’s time to get up and fetch the microwave popcorn, press the red button.
A Word on Fleece Blankets
Why are fleece blankets so soft? Surely, they’re not made from wool. Have you ever touched a sheep? We mean, it’s soft, but it’s not that soft. Neither is cotton. Or that stuff made from worm poop or whatever. No, the truth is, fleece blankets are made from baby wishes. Thousands of babies are kept in crates so that they remain soft and supple. They’re encouraged to wish by depriving them of things like food and love. Baby wishes are pure and simple, so it never occurs to them to think that it’s their parents who sold them into this situation, for example. Like the dumb babies they are, they wish for their parents or some milk, or whatever. These wishes are siphoned off and stored in vats. They are then milled into thread through a threadification process and woven into blankets. Eventually, the babies are returned to their parents, when their wishes are no longer soft and pliable, but have become brittle and mean-spirited. These babies grow up to be Republicans.
Our prehistoric ancestors didn’t have couches like we have today. Theirs were made from dinosaur skulls or regifted from the lizard people. And lizard couches aren’t really very comfortable. But don’t feel sorry for those cavemen, because they also didn’t have to deal with I-95 traffic. So who is really the sucker?
Actually, that brings us to an important idea: why are lizard people so keen on ruining Democracy? Because they have such crappy couches. They don’t like rest and relaxation. And they’re jealous of it when we relax. So, they undermine any kind of freedoms we have, because those lead to improved quality of life, i.e. more lounging time. What is fucking sad about this, is that even though this is probably some of the craziest shit we’ve ever written on this blog — which is saying a lot — some of you probably wonder whether we believe in lizard people, because so many people apparently do, it’s a thing. What a fucking world. STAY IN SCHOOL.
The takeaway from this is that we’re always on the go. We’re made to feel that if we’re not being productive every moment of every day, we’re failing. This is crazy talk, and if we weren’t all so afraid of losing our healthcare and our homes, we’d do something about it. But we are, so all we really have is the few scant moments of relaxation we can steal before it’s time to go back to work. Enjoy it. You’ve earned it.