How To Even…Fool Your Body Into Thinking You’re Exercising When Really You’re Just Being a Lazy SOB*

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

*Hey, these are just jokes, don’t be dumb.

Bodies, huh? They take a lot of work to keep them sputtering on. Science tells us we need to exercise so we don’t sink into a pool of our own flab. But that’s what Big Health wants you to think. Do that nonsense and you’ll be left all sweaty and in shape like a fool. A thin, sweaty fool.

Well we say no! We’re not going to let the tyranny of our bodies continue. We refuse to exercise. Also, we’re kind of afraid to, at this point. But there’s the whole being able to not die from walking up stairs thing. Or not getting out of breath from sitting up. So, as much as we might punish and hate them, we’re stuck with our bodies until we can upgrade them to robots that transform into cars and dinosaurs. We propose some alternatives to exercising that will allow us to reap the same benefits without all that icky moving around stuff.

Watch a Scary Movie

One of the most important elements of exercise is getting your heart rate going. It’s like amping up your exercise. How better to get your heart racing than watching a scary movie? Or maybe a presidential speech? Or, if you really want to get your heart going…