How To Even…Fool the Normies Into Thinking You’re One of Them

By Michael Gushue and CL Bledsoe

The weather, huh? Boy, it sure is all kinds of weathery. With all that air and water and the temperature causing it to interact this way and that way. It will affect the weekend somehow or not at all! And those sports! What a thrilling game that was/is/will be/etc. That one player is really good and I wish the other one was better. But they’re all trying their best and are horrible bastards. Let’s yell either for/to/or about them.

Friends, that’s how easy it is to fit in. Maybe, like us, you’ve spent your life as a loner, Dottie, a rebel. Not following anyone’s rules, not even your own. Living your bohemian life with unmatched socks, and combing your hair the wrong way. And isn’t that tiring? Sheesh. Set that burden of individualism and freedom down and have a gluten free snack. It’s okay. The only people who will judge you are going to judge you no matter what you do. So it’s cool.

But if you’ve spent your life at odds with the normies, you probably don’t know how to fit in with them, with their beige clothing and their ability to feel joy without crying afterward. (Or is that sex?). Lucky for you, we here at How To Even…LLC have infiltrated the ranks of the great washed and dried and ironed in order to help you ease that transition. Follow our handy suggestions, and you’ll be fitting in in no time. Probably a brief amount of time. Or not at all. But still.

Dress the Part

Remember how, when you were younger, you’d spend an hour making your hair look all fucked up before a show? Well the normies are like that, except they make theirs look all normal. Which doesn’t actually take that long.

Normies don’t like to express themselves with their clothing. They prefer to blend in — in fact, virtually everything normies do is intended to blend in. The whole point of being a normie is express nothing about oneself. A person exactly like other people, only more so. This doesn’t mean normies dress identically — that would be weird, and being not weird is the whole point. Normies do small, innocuous…