How To Even…Find Work as a Vampire

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

So, you’ve joined the ranks of the undead. You swapped blood with a vamp, and now you’ve become immortal. You’ve said goodbye to the waking world and hello to forever. You’re dancing the never-ending tango…of…blood…hmm. A lot of things have changed. You’ve developed an affinity for cravats, for example, and, weirdly, industrial music. But just because you don’t have to eat food doesn’t mean you don’t still have expenses. There’s dry-cleaning for your cape. Coffin repair and storage. Veterinarian visits for your bat-self. All sorts of hidden costs. But how to pay them?

Freelance Medical Advice

Lots of people can’t afford to go to a doctor. They’re ignoring that check-engine-light of aches and pains and hoping their body makes it another day before bursting into flames. Many of them would be more than happy to trade something — maybe a pint of blood? — for reliable medical advice. Well, they’re in luck because part of your newly discovered vampire power is a heightened sense of smell, taste, and all sorts of quirks that can help you identify health problems in people. All you’ve got to do is draw a little blood (which you can snack on later) and “examine” it (i.e. chug that shizz). You could be saving lives while not having to actually kill anyone to feed. It’s a win-win. Also, think how proud your mom will be when you tell her you’re sort of a doctor, now. Unless you already ate her.

Street Performing

Broke ass people have been doing stuff on the street for money for as long as their have been streets and probably money, so there’s quite a storied tradition. With your new powers, you can join in. Just set out your coffin for tips and get to it.

The challenge with street performing is that it can only happen at night. That’s fine; there are still plenty of crowds at night, in the right places. Of course, those people are going to be drunk and quite probably belligerent. But you’re a vampire; you should be able to handle the odd drunk. If nothing else works, you could always follow them into an alley and have a polite discussion with them about mutual respect. Jk. You’re going to eat the shit out of them.

But, assuming you can draw a decent crowd, you have a lot of options. You can transform into a bat, after all. That’s sure to elicit a few dolla dolla bills, y’all. You can mesmerize people to do funny stuff like cluck like a chicken or fight the person next to them to the death. You might be thinking that you could just mesmerize people to give you all their money, which is true, but then you wouldn’t get to work on your tight fifteen minute set.

Physical Labor

Being a vampire means you’re super strong, which has some advantages. There are still plenty of jobs where strength can help. Unfortunately, most of them include direct sunlight, which is a no-no. One thing you can do that doesn’t is working in the woods. A little bit of shade can mean the difference between barbecue in your pants and a good time. (One of the authors of this blog would like to point out that bbq in his pants IS his idea of a good time. But that’s why his desk is in the broom closet.)

You could get a job in a forest in the Pacific Northwest as a ranger. We’ve already got the CW interested in optioning the rights to this scenario, so. Imagine: you could track down lost hikers with your superior senses. You could hang out with bears and wolves and shit without having to worry about getting eaten. It sounds pretty banging to us.

Sex Work

This is probably the most obvious choice. There are a lot of people out there who would pay a real vampire to do things to them. Honestly, you could not only pay your bills but also supply your food supply through sex work, and you probably wouldn’t actually have to take your pants off, if you didn’t want to. If it were up to us, we’d never put them on in the first place, so.

The drawback with this is blood-borne disease. This is going to be a challenge for you, moving forward, because you’re going to be taking in a lot of blood. There are a couple things to consider, though. First off, you can probably tell if a person has some kind of communicable disease by using your heightened senses. Also, you heal super fast and are immortal, so it might not really matter too much to you.

A Caveat About Murder

As we all know, vampires drink blood to survive. They use their pointy teeth to rip out throats and drink all that warm stuff. Which is pretty gross, tbh. I mean, imagine if you had to ruin your shirt every time you had a snack. Maybe this is already your reality. Let’s move on.

It only stands to reason that vampires would’ve figured this whole thing out by now. They’re probably not ripping throats out anymore, since that would draw a lot of attention, which means potential stakings. They’re probably running their own blood banks. They’re probably blending into society just like you and…well, probably you. They probably have houses, because hanging out in graveyards must get old. They work night jobs and blend in. Does this make us feel better about there being vampires or not? We can’t really say.

***

Whatever you decide to do, it will probably be in New Orleans. We’re not exactly sure why, but New Orleans is, apparently, just lousy with vampires. Maybe it’s the humidity which keeps their cold blood warm. Maybe it’s the preponderance of drunken revelers, i.e. easy pickin’s. Maybe they just have the best puffy shirt stores.

Regardless, we challenge you to think of this not as the end of your life but the beginning of your new life and also Thursday, since that’s the day we posted this.

The only blog you’ll ever need. By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe Archives: https://medium.com/@howtoeven/how-to-even-archives-3eeea1f52d31

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store