How To Even…Find Work as a Vampire

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

So, you’ve joined the ranks of the undead. You swapped blood with a vamp, and now you’ve become immortal. You’ve said goodbye to the waking world and hello to forever. You’re dancing the never-ending tango…of…blood…hmm. A lot of things have changed. You’ve developed an affinity for cravats, for example, and, weirdly, industrial music. But just because you don’t have to eat food doesn’t mean you don’t still have expenses. There’s dry-cleaning for your cape. Coffin repair and storage. Veterinarian visits for your bat-self. All sorts of hidden costs. But how to pay them?

Freelance Medical Advice

Lots of people can’t afford to go to a doctor. They’re ignoring that check-engine-light of aches and pains and hoping their body makes it another day before bursting into flames. Many of them would be more than happy to trade something — maybe a pint of blood? — for reliable medical advice. Well, they’re in luck because part of your newly discovered vampire power is a heightened sense of smell, taste, and all sorts of quirks that can help you identify health problems in people. All you’ve got to do is draw a little blood (which you can snack on later) and “examine” it (i.e. chug that shizz). You could be saving lives while not having to actually kill anyone to feed. It’s a win-win. Also, think how proud your mom…