How To Even…Fake Your Own Death

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Here’s a secret: that “person” you’re friends with on social media who is always posting pics of their happy family? That’s actually Vlad, a Russian bot who dreams of one day becoming an American bot. (They get all the breaks.) But if Vlad were real, right about now he’d be sitting on his Pottery Barn eggshell sofa with a glass of gin and fantasizing about french kissing a derringer. In other words, life sucks. It’s *the* cosmic joke. You wake up, you eat your knock-off brand pop tarts cause you can’t afford the extra dollar for real ones, you go to work and sit and wait until it’s time to go home. If you’re married and/or have kids, you exchange murderous looks and silently beg for something, anything to change…as long as it doesn’t require any effort. If you’re single, you do it out loud which makes the dog look at you funny.

Eventually, it gets to be too much for even the best of us, and the time comes to, in the words of Billy Idol, “Start again.” Unfortunately, gone are the days when a person could tell their family they were ‘going out for smokes’ and simply never come back. Nowadays, it’s easier than ever to track a person down online.

Get a fake mustache and a new hat.

We live in a surveillance state, but instead of it being curated by a nefarious government agency, it’s…