How To Even…Enjoy Nature Even Though You Hate It Because It’s Dumb
We’ve written several times about our mistrust and ultimately unrequited feelings for nature. If only it would let us love it, but alas, it would prefer to make us itch and sneeze. And sweat. We are the first to admit that our angst is of our own making, and we hope nature will be happy with someone else, because it obviously isn’t going to work out with us.
The thing about nature is not just allergies but also bears. Bears seem cute but just ask salmon. Or picnic baskets. Or that dumbass from Grizzly Man. They have a different perspective entirely.
Or quicksand. You go for a walk. Next thing, AAGGHH! Who’s idea was that anyway?
But we’re trying to grow, as people, and enjoy nature, because our therapist says we’ve plateaued, and we’re paying, like, a lot of money for therapy, so we need to make some progress.
It all starts with being able to tell what nature actually is. Let’s break it down.
Flora is a fancy way of saying plants, because nature thought plaaahnts wasn’t pretentious enough, we guess. There are basically three types of plants: trees, flowers, and Russian moles. Every plant can be lumped into one of these categories. Carrots? Trees. Broccoli? Flowers. Jared Kushner? You know the answer to that.
Plants serve several purposes, or so we we’ve been told. People eat them and wear them and live in them. You could probably stab someone with one if you sharpened it first.(Note: We bear no legal responsibility if someone sticks Jared Kushner in a pencil sharpener.)
The good thing about flora is it probably won’t eat you. It might poison you or make you sick, but your death probably won’t involve teeth shredding your throat. So there’s that.
Fauna means animals. You probably already know that the difference between a crocodile and an alligator is that the crocodile will see you after a while and the alligator has a meth addiction. It might not be so easy to distinguish between other animals, though, so we’ve compiled some handy tips.
Deer. Many deer come from broken homes because their fathers ran off to be king of the woods and their mothers were shot by hunters. We’ll give you a moment to collect yourself after the memory of that movie that scarred so many of us. Not a lot of people know this, but deer are also surprisingly competent interstate truckers. Scientists have hypothesized that this is because, since many deer were never close with either of their parents, they seek to escape from situations they find unpleasant or scary, which is most of life. So they drive like the wind. They smuggle smokes and folks from Mexico. They drive the backroads so they won’t get weighed.
Rabbits. There are three things that all rabbits abhor: magic hats, painted eggs, and “luck.” If you mention any of these things around a rabbit, there’s a decent chance you’re going to get stabbed. This is not to say that rabbits are necessarily bad people; they’re not people at all. And they’re cranky. But as long as you don’t mention any of these things, there’s a decent chance you’ll be okay.
Snakes. Snakes got a bad rap with that whole Garden of Eden thing. But lookit, snakes already don’t have hands, which means they can’t operate remote controls. They can’t even push the buttons if they could find them. So, no television for them, which explains why they got so bored and started all that trouble for the naked people. If that weren’t bad enough, snakes don’t have legs or feet either. Or wings. Birds were at least smart enough to trade in their hands for something cool like the ability to fly. What did snakes get in trade? A bad ass rep, which they need because otherwise they’d just be big worms or motorized noodles. Based on this, we’d say that snakes are not the most savvy negotiators in the pit. It makes us feel a little bad for them, until we notice their beady, unblinking eyes and needle sharp teeth.
Birds. You may know birds from their early morning singing. What you may not know is what, exactly, they are singing. Here are a few translations:
Blujay: Pheety pheety pheety kawump. Translated: I’m walking here!
Hummingbird: omgomgomgomgomg. Translated: omgomgomgomgomg
Cardinal: Phweet phweet phweet! Translated: Where the fuck are my keys?
Tufted Woodspallow: Nyah nyah nyah: Your mother never loved you, loser.
Sparmel Flowbottom: Kachunga Neeop! Karp karp karp: Property ownership is an illusion because death is real.
Parted Chronelator: Butros Butros Gaaaaaalee: I have no idea what you mean, but let me clear my throat.
Screaming Darla: I can’t EEEEven: I feel a rush of emotion, triggered by this event, and I’m not sure of the proper way to respond.
In general, people have a weird relationship with birds. Feeding them is a requirement. But you can’t just give them a handout while waiting for the light to turn green. You have to use a “bird feeder,” which unfortunately is not a career choice but a funny-shaped box into which you dump seeds (insert picture of dollar sign with wings flying away) for birds to wolf down and then take off without so much as a howdy-do. People also build birdhouses for these little winged moochers. We suppose folks feel sorry for them because birds have no hands (see above) and cannot master even rudimentary carpentry skills. In return, birds poop all over your car, and, if given a chance, you.
Squirrels. Much like alligators, squirrels frequently have meth addictions. They are, in fact, the ones selling it to the alligators and hummingbirds. Squirrels make their meth labs inside abandoned buildings or un-renovated schools, where they gather the ingredients from science classes. When every squirrel is young, it swears it will only sell the stuff, not smoke it, but every one of them tries it at a high school party and gets hooked. This is the exact reason why chipmunks don’t go to squirrel parties. At chipmunk parties, everyone does blow. Which is classier.
Fuzzybutts. Fuzzybutts are also known as widdles and ooooo I wanna squeezims. But it’s important to note that you shouldn’t squeeze them or snuffle their itty bitty cheeks because they are, in fact, wild animals with claws and teeth and stuff, and also, that’s an invasion of their personal space.
Bearded Marmalades. The bearded marmalade was first discovered in 1602 by Sir Francis Mandrake, an explorer famous for mistaking his cousin for a bathroom. Sir Francis (Frank, if you’re nasty) was exploring the coast of Lemuria, in what is present day Poughkeepsie, when he beheld an incredible sight: the majestic and oft misunderstood bearded marmalade. Unfortunately, Frank died before he could return to England with his fabled catch, but he left behind a badly spelled diary and several loose buttons.
Red-eyed Sewer Weasels. Red-eyed Sewer Weasels were once regular weasels, weaselin’ it up and selling cigarettes to preschoolers. Then their Twitter accounts were frozen after they made some racist jokes, pretending they were being ironic. Without access to twitter, they lost all their social standing. Out of shame, which weasels have in abundance unlike most politicians and real estate developers, they retreated to live in the sewers of large cities, where they serve as yes-men for the giant albino alligators addicted to meth.
But how do you tell the difference? Nametags.
Now that we’ve identified some nature, we’ve got to try to enjoy it, according to that judge who wants to send us to prison. The first step is to have a drink. We don’t mean metaphorically sip from the nectar of life’s pleasures; we mean booze. It will help loosen you up and take the edge off. Neither of those phrases actually mean anything; what we’re saying is that everything is better when you’re less aware of it. So, booze.
Next, you’ve got to find some nature to experience. There’s probably some near your parking lot, hanging around, begging for change to spend on drugs. Why not cut out the middle man and share some of your drugs? Invite that fuzzybutt or bird inside — if they’re skittish, maybe sit with them behind the Dumpster.
Ask them about their day. It will probably involve avoiding some predator, which will probably be a good story. Talk about something innocuous like your favorite fandom or politics; you don’t want to get into an argument, after all. I mean, what did you do today? Go to work? They almost got eaten by a freaking hawk. Honestly, what are you bringing to the table?
Pretty much the whole point of society since day one has been to get as far away as possible from nature, since that’s where the eaty things are. Now, we’ve gotten to the point where we can go back into nature and point at the teeth-faces and say, “Ha ha, you can’t eat me!” Wait, no, that’s a zoo. Hey, how about just go to the zoo instead of nature? It’s easier and has a hotdog stand. And that astronaut ice cream stuff which sounds awesome but is ultimately disappointing. Like nature.