How To Even…Drive In Snow

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Real talk: Being born rich can solve a lot problems, problems the rest of us are stuck with, such as not being able to afford healthcare. Compound not being born rich with not being a natural genius, and you’ll end up having to work for a living. And, unless you live in some crazy place that doesn’t get snow, like the Southern Hemisphere or everywhere else once global warming progresses, you’re going to have to drive to work on snow at some point or risk getting fired.

The key to driving on snow is not being afraid, so it’s a good idea to loosen up before getting in the car. We suggest having a shot or three of whiskey. If you’re prone to throwing up easily, don’t eat anything beforehand so there will be nothing to throw up.

When snow falls, it covers things up, just like government oversight. If you park on the street as most God-fearing Americans do, that means your car will be covered with snow, and you’ve got to get it off. But be careful; frostbite is no laughing matter. We once knew a guy whose uncle knew a guy who once met a guy in Kentucky or Kazakhstan or some K-place who lost all the fingers on his right hand to frostbite and looked really weird when he scratched his right ear. Unless you’re some rich jerk who owns gloves, you’ll want to be really careful about scraping the ice off your windshield. You…