How To Even…Dress for the Occasion

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Things are bad right now, but there are some silver linings you can unzip at the moment. One of these is not having to wear clothes. You can have pizza delivered and all you have to do is throw a sheet around your self and toga that delivery person. Or you’re on a video work call (using the new KA-BLOOM video chat app), and all you need to do is put a cardboard cut out of some sharp business attire in front of your body which is covered in cheezdoodle dust and pizza crust crumbs. But eventually things are going to go back to “normal” (it’s already happening!) and the world is going to make you put on clothes again. Why? We don’t know if it’s poor planning or some kind of conspiracy, but people really don’t seem to know how to handle it when you wander around naked. At the park, at the liquor store, at the fire department spaghetti dinner; if you show up without clothes on, people get all taze-y. What’s even worse than that is that they expect you to dress differently for different occasions. It’s enough to make a person miss the good old quarantine days and go live in a cave somewhere, except it’s hard to get pizza delivered there. But don’t despair. Your friendly neighborhood How To Even authors are here to walk you through the ends and outs of wearing clothes that will help you fit in, no matter where you find yourself.