How To Even…Do Xmas 2020

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

One of the many wonderful things about the Xmas season is an opportunity not to be a human superfund site. For once. Only at Xmas can you give gifts to people without it looking suspicious, or scammy, or skeevy (though if you’re giving them a pair of underwear with a camera not-so subtly crammed in, that’s probably still going to look questionable to the “squares”). But every opportunity is also a problem in disguise. And a crisis. And an anxiety-driven nightmare. And then back to opportunity. But then an explosion. Explosion!explosion!explosion! John Adams said that and we got it from the internet.

There are three phases to the Xmas gifting life cycle. First, picking the appropriate gift for each person on your gift list. Second, making the gift list you forgot to make before step one. Second, acquiring the gift. And, third, wrapping the gift, including a note that will either (1) endear you to the giftee, or (2) give you plausible deniability.

Folksy Story To Butter You Up for When We Post Our Patreon Link Later

When I was a teenager, I had a close friend named MacGuffin. We went Xmas shopping together, like teenage boys like to do. He found a lovely, old-fashioned oil lamp for his sister, Sexy Lamp Girl. You know how the ladies love oil-burning lamps. “What about oil for the lamp?” I asked…