How To Even…Do Basic Car Maintenance

By CL Bledsoe and Michael Gushue

Fact : most of us drive cars. Yes, we’re destroying the environment, but if we got rid of cars, where would we keep all of the trash we’ve tossed in the floorboard? It would end up on the ground or in a landfill. We’re doing the Earth a favor by hauling all this trash around, under our seats and in the trunk. Think about that, hippie.

Cars have become increasingly complicated with the advent of new technologies. They can seem like alien creatures. Not the sexy green or blue-skinned type, either, but the kind that cost hundreds of dollars to keep up. So, we pay someone we wouldn’t trust to pet sit our pet rocks to fix the thing that carries that which we value most in the world (our music collection).

But there are some aspects of car maintenance that are manageable by laypeople such as us. We’re going to focus on a few of these to help you save a little money, bolster your self-confidence, and make you look sexy af to people who are into that sort of thing (i.e., other cars).

1. Changing windshield wipers.

The only reason anyone ever changes their windshield wipers is to pass a state inspection. This is because Big Wiper is responsible for inspections. They’ve infiltrated our government to the deepest levels. There’s nothing we can do about it; it’s Wipertown.

But how hard can it be to change a windshield wiper, right? Just go to a parts store and buy a set. Ah, but they don’t come in sets. This is because they are each different sizes. You may be thinking that’s looney tunes, and you’re right. But there you go. Wipertown. You’ll need to know the astrological sign of your car and the middle name of the person who installed the original wipers. Most parts stores have a handy guide in the wipers section to look up the sizes of wipers for every model and year of car except yours. That means you’ll need to go ask Timmy, behind the counter. But be careful. He’s on PCP.

Once you get your new wipers (after they’ve been back-ordered and came in a week later) it will be time to put them on. Do it in the parking lot of the parts place like the pathetic peasant you are. Fun Fact: windshield wiper packaging incorporates Curse Collecting Technology, which means that it will only open once it has been fully charged with curses.

Once you’ve charged and opened the packaging, you need to remove your old wipers. This will be easy-peasy and fill you with a sense of pride in your own competence. Haha, jk. You’re going to break everything. Your car, like your life, will be a smoldering pile of twisted metal. Also, you’re going to break that little plastic slidey bit and get paranoid that you won’t be able to put the new wiper on without it. It’s okay. The new wiper comes with that plastic slidey bit. Put the new wiper on. Realize you put it on backwards. Take it off without breaking the plastic slidey bit again. Put it back on. There you go! You did it! But your life is still a smoldering pile of twisted metal.

2. Changing Fuses

No one actually knows what a fuse is, what it does, and why you need to replace it. But you do. So think of fuses as parts of a magical charm bracelet that allows your car to come to life. For all we know, that’s what they are.

The first step in changing a fuse is finding it. Usually a fuse is a somewhere under the dashboard in a place that is only accessible if you have prehensile tentacles that function as hands, arms, and socket wrenches. Luckily, unless you bought your car used, there is a handy Owner’s Manual which can be found in the glove compartment. If you did buy a used car, the only thing you’re going to find in the glove compartment are some unwrapped menthol-lyptus drops covered in lint and squirrel fur. So be sure to brush them off before eating them. Flip through the manual until you find an incomprehensible chart that shows just how inadequate you are at anything involving automobiles. After the chart, you’ll find these instructions for changing a fuse:

17.6 Fuse Changing

1. Locate fuse box.
2. Remove fuse.
3. Replace fuse.

Got it? Now head down to the nearest auto parts store, such as Auto Despair. Give yourself plenty of time because Timmy has to sort through thousands of fuses to find the right one. And, don’t forget, Timmy is on PCP.

At this point, it will feel as if you’re making progress. Enjoy that feeling. It’s fleeting.

Thanks to improvements in technology, most fuses are now the size of a poppy seed. They also require a special Fuse Insemination Wrench to remove and replace them. This must be accompanied by the Fuse Replacement Prayer, or your driver’s seat is going to spontaneously transform into a turtle.

Begin by lighting some sage and waving it around near the fuse box so that everything smells like sausage. That’s just because your car smells kind of funky. Then, open the fuse box, apply the Fuse Insemination Wrench Torque to the Fuse Insemination Wrench. This will require both hands, unless you’re double-jointed. Haha. Seriously, though, use both hands. You’ll be sorry if you don’t. Apply the Fuse Insemination Wrench/Torque to the Fuse Release Lever and pivot slightly Counter-Clockwise, unless you’re removing a fuse from a Honda made after 2011 or a Chevrolet Adobe of any year.

The Fuse should click loose. If it clacks, you’ve more than likely applied too much pressure. If it clooks, try again with slightly more pressure on the the Fuse Insemination Wrench. Once the fuse has been inseminated, it’s ready to be delivered. You’ll only need the Fuse Insemination Wrench for this. Grasp the fuse firmly yet carefully with the Wrench and twist it clockwise until it begins to tick. Once the ticking starts, you have thirty seconds to remove the fuse. Re-apply the Fuse Insemination Wrench Torque to the Fuse Insemination Wrench. You may be tempted to skip this step, but resist this urge, as the fuse cannot be removed without the Torque, no matter how many wizards you bribe. We’re joking. Wizards don’t take bribes. Carefully grasp the Fuse with the Insemination Wrench/Torque and pull it out, MAKING SURE NOT to allow it to touch the sides. Think of the game Operation, but instead of performing surgery on a drugged hobo, you’re operating on something that won’t wake up screaming halfway through. (We couldn’t afford the licensed version of Operation when we were kids.)

Once the fuse has been removed, carefully place it in a Discarded Fuse Receptacle, located in Sedona, Arizona. Now, you can begin the process of plugging in the new fuse. Unfortunately, you aren’t authorized to plug in the fuse unless you’ve been certified by Microsoft Fuse Services. And, since you’ve removed the old fuse, your car won’t drive. You’ll need to call a tow truck to have it towed to a dealership.

3. Changing Bulbs

Bulbs are a lot like wipers, which means they seem simple but end up being a pain in the ass. Of course, when a light isn’t working, the hope is always that it’s the bulb and not a major electrical issue. There’s an old joke. How many mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, I can get you an estimate, but it won’t be until after four. Can you leave the car?

Okay, maybe it loses something in the translation. Some bulbs are easy to change, but those never burn out.

Here’s the thing nobody is willing to say about headlights: you shouldn’t be driving at night anyway. When was the last time you saw the stars? Know why that is? Light pollution. The birds are dying because they can’t tell when it’s night anymore. And you know what? You’re dying, too. Is it worth it ending your life just to change that bulb, really? We don’t think so. We think you owe it to yourself to live. For your children.

4. Changing Tires

The basic premise, here, is easy enough. Your tire is flat. You need to replace it with a non-flat tire.

First off, it’s important to drive around with the flat tire as long as possible. There are two reasons for this. First, this shows how disappointed you are in the flat tire, how it has let you down by going flat. Second, changing a tire is as annoying and troublesome af, so it’s best to put it off for as long as possible. Also, tires always go flat when you’re driving on a highway with no place to pull over and everyone is driving in a psychopathic rage from steroid abuse. I guess that’s three reasons, isn’t it?

The best place to change a tire is your parking space at work, right before an important meeting with Upper Management. That way, you won’t dawdle. First take the tire iron, jack, and lug wrench and throw them repeatedly at the tire until it falls off. Even though it is flat, the rules of comedy dictate that it will now roll hilariously away from you, either into traffic, over a cliff, or into a china shop. You’ll need to chase after it, creating a comic interlude to the tune of Yakety Sax. Depending on which of these three options your tire chooses, you will either spot your spouse or close friend in a potentially damaging, but ultimately innocent situation (such as possibly banging the babysitter who ends up being their sibling), discover a lost historical treasure (i.e. pirate booty or maybe a baseball card collection a local child was bequeathed by his dying grandfather, which you’ll dutifully return to the child), or you’ll break a lot of shit and have to pay for it (cue sad trombone sound effect).

Most cars today are equipped with a “donut” tire as a spare, rather than a full sized replacement tire. It’s called a “donut” tire because the word “donut” will engender warm feelings towards the tire. Everyone loves donuts! This masks the fact that a “donut” tire is a piece of crap that forces you to drive 17 mph or else it melts. Also, it makes you look ridiculous, like wearing a Timberland boot on one foot, and a pink ballerina slipper on the other. Yes, people are going to point and laugh.

In any case, suck it up, because you are going to have to put that piece of crap on your car. Or you can abandon your car. Your choice.

At this point, you may have noticed that you forgot to jack up your car. Odds are, your car came with a crappy little jack that’s operated with a lug wrench. What is a lug wrench? It’s a wrench for lugs, dumbass. What do you think? (It’s common to confuse a tire iron with a lug wrench. We’re not going to tell you which is which, or even if there’s a difference, but we will tell you that it’s important to come to a conclusion about this yourself, and then violently defend that position, regardless of whether it’s true or not.) Anyway, forget all that, because you won’t need it.

Many lug wrenches are shaped like a cross, and there’s a reason for this. If you’re changing the tire at night, simply find the nearest alley and wait for a vampire to attack. Reveal the cross-shaped lug wrench to the vampire. It will be weakened and susceptible to your whims. Make it go back to your car and lift it up while you put the donut on.(Vampires are super strong, even when weakened by crosses.) If you want to have sex with the vampire before or after it lifts the car, we’re not going to judge. This is a morally gray area. The thing was just trying to hunt and kill you, and it will act like it’s into it. But that might just be because it thinks it can still kill/eat you or maybe it’s afraid of the cross or both. Or maybe that’s just its kink. We’re not saying any of that makes it okay. We will say you should avoid oral sex.

Once the donut is on, you have to get rid of the vampire. Agree to see it’s one-vampire show (My Life Before the Suck) next weekend. Take a ticket. Mention friends — NOT THEIR FULL NAMES — that you intend to invite. Once the vampire is sated, you can leave. Don’t throw the tickets away at the scene of the flat. That’s littering. Recycle them later.

If it’s not night time, you’ll need to summon a dragon to lift your car. Look in the owner’s manual under “Summon-Dragon.” It should give you detailed instructions, which we’re not going to repeat, here, but we’ll give a brief overview. You will need some virgin blood, which is easily obtainable at Hot Topic. It’s always a good idea to keep some in the glove box for emergencies. You’ll also need some gold. Follow the ritual, and once the dragon is summoned, have it lift the car while you put the donut on. Now you’ve got to get rid of the dragon. Agree to see its one-dragon show (No, I’m Not Smaug, or Mr. Smaug Was My Father’s Name, You Can Call Me Smuggs). Take a ticket and recycle it later.

5. Getting Rid of a Body in the Trunk

Let’s say you were out at a bar, celebrating being at a bar. You had a few too many drinks but couldn’t afford a cab. You decide to drive. You pee and drink some water and think really hard about being sober, so you’re ready (Remember, if you *think* you’re sober, that’s as good as *being* sober). You take it nice and easy, only hitting a few trashcans or maybe one of those wasn’t a trashcan but it didn’t make much noise, so whatever.

A couple blocks from the bar, somebody runs out in front of you. You don’t have time to stop, so you hit them. You feel the sickening thump as you drive over the body. When you get out, the person is lying behind the car. He’s short, dark-haired, wearing a strangely familiar uniform. His face is bruised and bloody, but he has a short, “Hitler” mustache. You look closer and realize it IS Hitler. You’ve run over Hitler. You don’t know what to do, so you check his pulse, but he’s dead.

This is a public area — you’re in the middle of the street. The closer you look, the more you realize it really is Hitler, or a very good impersonator. You wonder if you’ve driven through some kind of time warp, but you can hear noise from the city, voices, traffic, though that doesn’t mean much. Your phone has four bars, so you must still be in the present. You search the body for identification, but all you can find are papers that look like they’re in German with swastikas on them. They look authentic. If this is some kind of impersonator, he went to a lot of trouble. What kind of person would do that?

You make a decision. Even if this is Hitler, well, it’s still a complex situation. You’ve been drinking, and you’re not entirely sure the police would be as happy about Hitler’s death as they should be. You watch BBC News.

You pop the trunk. You drag the body into it and close it. You search the scene for evidence. You drive the rest of the way home.

In the morning, you wake, hung over. After a long shower, you have some toast, get dressed, and suddenly remember that there is a dead Hitler in your trunk. Surely, that was a dream, though? You finish dressing, go to your trunk, look around to make sure no one is watching, and open it. That’s definitely Hitler and he’s definitely still dead. You’re already running late for work, though, so you close the trunk and go.

What to do with a dead Hitler in your trunk? In between meetings, you Google “quicklime” and “acid,” which lead to some interesting ideas. You know that you have a limited amount of time to work with; it’s summer, after all. That body will get pretty ripe very soon. Your boss catches you not working and reprimands you. Then, he goes and takes a nap in his office. He’s still sleeping when you leave.

After work, it’s dark in the parking deck. You think long and hard about it. Your boss is still parked in his spot. You cruise over, pop the trunk. No one is around. You take Hitler out and slide him under the car. When you’re away from the parking deck, you call in the anonymous tip to the police.