How To Even…Do Astrology

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Astrology is not the study of ass, unfortunately. Learned that the hard way. We just wanted to clear that up before anyone else gets too disappointed. What it is, is a way of trying to quantify the causes of our personal experiences with the effects of resonances and placements of astral bodies, such as planets, i.e. how our moods and experiences are affected by the movements of planets. We already know how we’re affected by the movements of ass.

*Before we go any further, we should point out that we have no idea what that first paragraph means (except the ass bits), and we have no idea how astrology works or what it even is. But we do know that it seems to be popular and there are lots of people out there who like to talk about it (like Sandy does in the lunchroom every day). So, your takeaway here should be that lack of knowledge won’t stop us from trying to make money off of a thing. Note: It would be very easy to take potshots at astrology as being illogical or unscientific, but we’re having a hard time thinking of anything in our lives that is logical. So, have a ball. Also, we’re probably still going to take some potshots. Low-hanging fruit, and whatnot.*


What most people don’t realize is that astrology was at one time considered a legitimate science. This was either the 14th century or the 1960’s. In either case, it was before the Age of Reason (i.e. before Drunk History). Astrology was used in medicine to tell people they had too much mercury in their humor. It told kings when there was an auspicious day to oppress peasants and increase taxes. But then Big Telescope muscled in, which led to some excommunications and murders and stuff. (The pizza guy came to the door during that part of Drunk History and we forgot to rewind it.)

Thanks to Big Telescope, Astrology came to be considered witchcraft, (and still is, according to my weird aunt that nobody likes). In the way of small-minded people, the idea was that if a person studies or thinks about something (i.e. how planets, or what-have-you, affect us) then that person is somehow controlling that thing, i.e. that woman in the pointy black hat is the reason I can’t get an erection. It was (and still is) feared that even opening up your mind to an idea would make that idea not only true but true specifically for you (for example, you wonder if there is such a thing as male genital origami. It’s a weird idea that just comes to you. Next thing, you’re addicted to watching penisigami videos 24/7, you’ve lost your job, your house, your wife has left you and your kids won’t admit that you’re their father.) Also, if you go around thinking about how the world might affect our lives, you’re just asking for the Devil to jump on in and ride shotgun ALL THE WAY TO HECK.

We’re kind of all over the place here. Let’s move on.

Astrological Terms and Their Meanings

-Retrograde: We think this has something to do with hairstyle or maybe old-fashioned clothes.

-Time of birth: One of the most popular aspects of Astrology is the idea that when a person is born affects their personality. For example, a person born at night is more likely to wear shades, because they aren’t used to the glare of midday. Or a person born early in the morning is probably going to be a jogger. Of course, we’re simplifying things. Daylight Savings Time also probably plays a factor.

-Signs: This has to do with which street sign you most identify with. For example, if you’re a “Yield,” that means you have problems establishing boundaries. If you’re a “Stop,” you don’t connect with others easily on an emotional level. “Bridge May Ice in Cold Weather” is pretty self-explanatory. “Slow Children At Play” is too easy, even for us. There are two other kinds of Astrological signs, Planets and Constellations.


The word constellation comes from the Latin con meaning scam, and stella, meaning somebody named Stella. The -tion on the end is kind of like -ay in pig latin, designed to fool the squares. Thus, a constellation is a specific arrangement of stars designed to “scam” someone, which in this context is “Stella,” which in this context means “you.”

You know when you look up into the sky, on a really clear night, and can’t remember where any of the constellations are supposed to be? Well, astrologers don’t have that problem because they paid attention on that school field trip to the planetarium.

Certain constellations help shape people’s personalities, and those constellations — or the stars that make them up — are more powerful during different times of the year. Kind of like how the light is stronger first thing in the morning when you’re hungover. So, the big dipper influences people born at a certain time so that it’s the only constellation they can find, and also to stay hydrated.

But why would the stars have such an effect on us? Simple: because most of us are descended from aliens, and those aliens came from the specific constellation that governs over our behaviors. Millions of years ago, aliens came to Earth and started banging monkeys. Their offspring banged more monkeys — and aliens — and their offspring banged monkeys and aliens. All of this eventually led to humanity. Don’t try to tell us you didn’t always suspect as much. Anyway, the aliens were heavily influenced by where they were from, in the same way that people in the South eat grits, and people in the midwest eat biscuits and gravy (though some cross-cultural pollination is to be expected and is known as “being on the cusp.”)


The planets embody the energy of the different constellations as their own personal brands, like how Calvin Klein endorses pedifilia or wait, wait, come back! Sorry! We’ll tone it down. Um, how about like how Peleton endorses enslaving women? No? Lost you? Dang. Okay, well, guess we’ll keep going for our moms, who are probably our only readers, anyway.

So how do you do astrology?

Or, as we like to call it, astrolomagize. There are two basic astrolomagizations. The first is a chart, which tells you who you are and why you’re so effed up. The second is a monthly horoscope which is used to make money.

Probably the easiest approach is to Google your birth year/day/time and the word “sexy” and see what comes up.

Zodiac Signs

We’re all familiar with the Zodiac killer but did you know that it’s also a type of bear? It totally is! And they fly space ships. Or something. We’re kind of drunk right now. But as it turns out there are 12 types of bears, sorry, of Zodiac signs. Here they are and what they represent:

Ares: The cool kid on the block. Wears a minimum of three popped collars at all times as well as two pairs of sunglasses. Incapable of feeling love unless it comes wearing boat shoes.

Aquarium. The Water Bear. So there are bears in this. Ha. Told ya. Water Bears are mysterious and smell slightly like old carpet. Befriending a Water Bear without being eaten is difficult — especially if you smell like salmon — but well worth it, as they will forevermore consider you their honey.

Sagiquarium. This is a guy riding a horse and holding a bow and arrow, or some kind of antenna. Obviously, he doesn’t have cable and is galloping around trying to get better reception. Sapiquariums can be frustrating because they’re known for not remembering things you just told them. They pair well with Aquariums, who will either eat them or forgive their absent-mindedness or both. .

Fruitopia: An oft maligned sign, Frutopians are known for their flavor explosion and mass dancing. Unfortunately, a rare genetic disorder rendered all Fruitopians sterile, so you could say they aren’t making them anymore.

Leo: Leos are talented character actors who, if they’re willing to put in the work, will eventually win their awards in life. Known for being that homeless kid in that Kirk Cameron show.

Cancer: Whoooo boy. Don’t even get us started. YIKES.

Torus. This is a donut of some kind. If your name is Duncan, you’re in luck. See, your first name is Duncan and your sign is a *donut,* so it’s like you should be called…you know what? Nevermind. This is too dumb even for us.

Snagglepuss: Known for their affinity for astronomy and travel plans, the Snagglepuss is one of the most overlooked of signs. A Snagglepuss will often be passed over for promotions and have no recourse but to exit, stage left.

Candicorn: Is the Xmas winter sign. It’s a goat-mermaid, which is what Santa really looks like under that jolly old elf disguise. An important thing to realize about Candicorns is that, though they appear friendly and colorful on the outside, this is to mask a fairly disappointingly textured inner life. But you don’t realize this until you’ve already eaten a couple. Also, maybe don’t eat people? But they make their own gravy! Sorry, doesn’t matter. Don’t eat people. Just…don’t.

Germini. The twins, Tweedledee and Siegfried. In popular culture, the image of twins is that they operate in lock step, agreeing on everything, wearing the same clothes, having sex with the same humor bloggers, but in reality, Germinis are often at odds with each other. This usually begins early, when they vie for space in the womb. It doesn’t end there. As adults, Germinis tend to bicker a lot and steal the last donut from each other. Because of their flamboyant and caustic natures, Germinis are good matches with the quieter Leos.


The takeaway from all this is that sure, astrology probably doesn’t work, but neither does prayer or voting or that used Roomba you found at the thrift store, so really, what do you have to lose? Also, you know, life is a lot more interesting and fun when you’re open to considering new or different things. For example, did you know that people have started putting pie inside of cake? It’s truly a wondrous age we live in.

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