How To Even…Do Astrology

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Astrology is not the study of ass, unfortunately. Learned that the hard way. We just wanted to clear that up before anyone else gets too disappointed. What it is, is a way of trying to quantify the causes of our personal experiences with the effects of resonances and placements of astral bodies, such as planets, i.e. how our moods and experiences are affected by the movements of planets. We already know how we’re affected by the movements of ass.

*Before we go any further, we should point out that we have no idea what that first paragraph means (except the ass bits), and we have no idea how astrology works or what it even is. But we do know that it seems to be popular and there are lots of people out there who like to talk about it (like Sandy does in the lunchroom every day). So, your takeaway here should be that lack of knowledge won’t stop us from trying to make money off of a thing. Note: It would be very easy to take potshots at astrology as being illogical or unscientific, but we’re having a hard time thinking of anything in our lives that is logical. So, have a ball. Also, we’re probably still going to take some potshots. Low-hanging fruit, and whatnot.*