How To Even…Deal with a Headache

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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Headaches are our body’s way of reminding us we’re alive, but maybe not for much longer because our head’s clearly about to explode. And when the stuff we’re keeping in there gets out into the world… *shudder*.

There are many kinds of headaches caused by different things, and they each offer different challenges in the treatment department. Lucky for you, our mail-order degrees from just came in, so we are certified doktors of headacheology. We’re about to set some science down carefully so we don’t wake Terry. (He’s napping in the other room.)

Types of Headaches

  • Lingering
  • Explosive
  • Presidential Press Conference

But What Causes Headaches?

Headaches are more complicated than most people realize. That’s why we consulted a leading headacheologist to survey the field. This expert (Vince, also known as The Mookster) was able to explain to us the difference between pains in the head, “a pain in my royal ass,” and “a big pain in my coglioni, capeesh?” He also showed us how to ward off the evil eye with gestures and imprecations, but we’re saving that for another How To Even.

Loss of Essential Fluids

Someone once said that people are like 90% water, which makes us kind of like anxiety-rich watermelons. We’re too lazy to look that up, but we’ll take it at face value. Our brains are swimming in cranial fluid, which, since it’s wet, is probably mostly water. So, what happens when we start to run low on liquid? Headaches!

The best way to re-hydrate the brain is to go to the source and snort water directly to it. You might think drinking water is more effective, but what happens when you drink water? It goes almost directly to your bladder, bypassing the brain, entirely. For best results, stick a straw up there and get to snorting.

But how did we lose those fluids? You know very well how, and we’re not going into the gutter with you, thank you very much. Unless you have another of those bright red balloons for us. Or chocolate. Or a puppy. Or…you know what, we’ll just go ahead and climb in there. Mmmmm, comfy.


There are spiders living on your face right now. Tiny, microscopic spiders. They’re in your eyelashes, your nose hair. They’ve got your Netflix log in. This is scientific fact. You can see them, with a microscope. (They’re also responsible for some of the weirder movie recommendations Netflix gives you.) We say this, and you’ll grudgingly accept it, even though you have no actual evidence — we doubt you’re going to actually go look at your eyelashes with a microscope. (Who has that kind of time?) (Haha, jk, we know you’re not doing anything. You’re just lazy af. Like us.) But if we say headaches are caused by demons trapped in your brains, trying to get out — even though you can feel them in there — you’ll think we’re crazy. Which, frankly, is beside the point.

If you prefer, we can say that those demons are actually stress or dietary issues or spiders. But we all know the real truth.

How Did The Demons Get Into Our Heads?

Lots of possible ways, including:

  • Moral turpitude
  • Video games
  • Salt
  • Organic food
  • By invitation
  • Snuck in through our noses while we were doing cocaine
  • Rock music (especially jam bands)
  • Dark chocolate
  • Not killing bugs in the house
  • Satanic summoning rituals done by teenagers in graveyards
  • Watching TV
  • Using cellphones
  • Wearing the color orange
  • Doing impressions of celebrities or animals (especially celebrity animals)
  • Star Wars movies (just, in general because they exist, regardless of whether you watch them or not)
  • Eating hot dogs with mayonnaise
  • Using Comic Sans on a resume
  • Writing or reading blogs

Now What?

Regardless of what stupid thing you did to let demons waltz in through your nostrils or ears and set up housekeeping, the fact is now you’re stuck with demon-infested gray matter. If that doesn’t make your skull feel itchy, we don’t know what will. Ghost ants, maybe? So what can be done?

  1. Snort lots of water. The demons get dehydrated easily. One would think that living in hellfire would’ve cause them to adapt to store water better, but there you go. Intelligent design? Pfft.
  2. Trepanning is the ancient art of cutting holes in your skull to let demons out. It’s also good for allergies. Once you’ve got the hole drilled in, you’ll need something to suck the demon out. Try a sink plunger. Or, just say, “Boy I’ve got a lot of nacho-flavored Bugles out here. I wish someone could help me eat them.” They’ll be out in a snap.
  3. Cry a lot. This, of course, will dehydrate you, so refer to #1. But it’s generally a good solution to just about everything.
  4. Cocaine, which is also a great cure for allergies.

Real Talk

The question is, not how do we get the demons out of our heads, but SHOULD we get the demons out of our heads? What will happen if they escape? They will wreak havoc on unsuspecting multitudes, is what. It is, in fact, our heavenly duty to contain them. So, the next time you have a headache, before you shove a screwdriver through your temple, remember that you’re doing the lord’s work.

Other Invaders

The brain is the most sensitive part of the body, unless you’ve ingested a Smiths album. It is where we are most vulnerable, and therefore, it’s the ultimate aim an invader hits when trying to ‘take us out.’

But who are these invaders? Commonly referred to as “allergies,” these invaders are actually tiny manifestations of plant and animal life that are trying to annihilate us. Why do they hate us so much? Um, because we killed their ancestors and probably family and friends, duh. Ever eaten/worn/sat on something made from plants? Yes. Yes, you have. We started this war, but they aim to finish it.

See, people have been on this planet for about 7000 years, give or take 193,000. In that time, we’ve stone murdered the vast majority of life we’ve encountered. Some, we hunted to extinction for food. Some, just for kicks. Some, we didn’t even know we killed. We’re that good. Over that time, many plants and a few animals have evolved ways to attack us right back. At first, they just wanted to keep us away by making us sneeze whenever we were around them, but now, plants like Bradford pears and people who use scented lotions at work are actively trying to kill us. We can’t really blame them, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to let them win. They must all be destroyed, or, barring that, since it would probably lead to prison, just never go outside again. Stay home. Breathe filtered air. Read blogs. Live the good life.

Treating Other Kinds of Headaches

We’ve talked about fluids, demons, and even allergies, but there is another kind of headache. You know how muscles grow? That’s right. With lots of water, fertilizer, and plenty of sunlight. Well, brains are similar. If they get enough water, fertilizer, and sunlight, they can do something like growing. But they’re in a pretty confined space, so that growth can result in headaches. So how can we prevent that? You have to have water, so there’s not much you can do about that. When we say fertilizer, you may be thinking horse poo, and if you’re snorting any kind of poo, you should definitely stop. It’s an expensive habit, and that money could be better spent on drugs or cosplay. But there are other kinds of fertilizers.

Probably the most common is filling your head with poop. It might seem antithetical, but all the garbage spewed from unresearched memes or entertainment shows pretending to be journalism can make your brain swell, but in an unhealthy and ultimately vapid way. This isn’t true growth, but rather a swelling that mimics growth. Basically, you’re filling it with trash, and it has to expand to make room. Similarly, lots of other trash can slip in there. If you’ve ever sat through a board meeting and felt like your head was going to explode afterward, you know what we mean.

The third ingredient that’s necessary for headaches is sunlight. This is fairly easy to avoid; the skull pretty effectively blocks sunlight from entering the brain, so you’ve got to make special effort to circumvent this. So, just stop standing with your mouth open, pointed at the sun, and you should be able to prevent this type of headache.


Whatever is causing your headache, just know that it will probably never end, even if you try our patented methods. This is who you are, now, an aching, wincing, wraith-thing forever doomed to trudge this new circle of hell — oh, it stopped. Okay, pheew. We were worried for a minute there. Anyway, time to eat this ice cream really fast. Enjoy your weekend.

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