How To Even…Date a Demon

(NOTE: October is the month when HALLOWEEN HAPPENS. You can tell because stores are taking down next year’s Christmas displays and putting up the following year’s Valentine’s Day displays, just like Capitalism intended.

Of course, Big Distraction has gotten so good that we can’t remember what happened last week, and have no idea what’s supposed to happen a week from now. Some people call this neurological damage, and others call it Livin’ The Dream. Either way, we, the authors of this blog, are here to help. You see, we’re a lot like elephants: we never use deodorant, we never hold in our farts, and we never forget.

So, every Thursday in the month of Octember (whatever), we’ll be posting an informative and factual blog post covering a vital Halloween-related topic. This way, you won’t be caught by surprise when people show up at your door and demand treats, on October 31st. Or October Threedee-onesie.)

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Now we return to our regularly scheduled program: How To Even…Date a Demon, already in progress.

You’ve tried all the dating apps and found them to be lacking. You’ve joined MeetUp groups, taken up hobbies to meet people, had a lot of dates and not much success. You even tried going to church, but that was just creepy. And then they asked you for money. You’re beginning to think there’s no hope for you, romantically.

The problem is that you haven’t been looking in the right place for love. You suspected this, but you didn’t know where else to look. Let’s think about what you want — what you really want — out of a partner. Strip away the societal conditioning and see what’s left. You want someone who will make your boring ass life fun; someone who knows how to have a good time. Someone loyal so you don’t have a bunch of drama. Someone warm, with a detectable heartbeat. But where to find all these qualities?

Have you considered hell? Think about it. Most people go to hell. Really. Look at the Bible, or the religious text of your choice. There’s all kinds of stuff in there you’re not supposed to do. When was the last time you sacrificed a lamb and smeared its blood on yourdoor? Nowadays, you’d get arrested. And we’re not being Bible-centric here. We’re not here to play favorites. The thing is: all the religions of the world are…