How To Even…Cook Your Girlfriend a Nice Meal

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

First of all, congratulations! You’re in a relationship! However did that happen? Probably not a good idea to look too closely. You can fool some of the people all of the time, and so on. Regardless, enjoy it for the two or three weeks of anxiety-infused happiness before she wises up.

Second, while we usually try to make our incredibly advisable advice apply to as many groups of people as possible (not the Dutch, though. Screw those bastards), some topics are limited in their scope by their very nature. There’s no equivalent we can provide our intelligent and discerning non-cishet male readers for something like How To Even… Cook A Nice Meal For Your Significant Other, because (1) non-cishets tend to have basic life skills down pretty well (not hard), and (2) you couldn’t give a rat’s ass. Either way, we’re not here to condescend. However, you might consider reading this post as a warning of what to potentially expect if you find yourself slumming.

Okay, so, gentlemen. Your relationship with Girlfriend is going well. You’ve managed to conceal your true personality from her, in hopes that you can construct another at some point (see How To Even…Date). However, one evening, without thinking, you offer to make her a romantic dinner at your place. She says yes, and gives your hand a little squeeze, clearly thinking that you want to advance the relationship in a positive direction. You, on the other hand, are clearly thinking about how to get cosmetic surgery, assume a new identity, and relocate to some horrible place where you’ll get dysentery and die. Maybe we mean clearly panicking rather than clearly thinking.

But none of that worked because you’re an idiot and couldn’t figure out the paperwork. The truth is you’ve trapped yourself. You’re with someone you like, who likes you back — will wonders never cease? — and you’ve just decided to take a stroll through a shark-infested relationship minefield. Let’s see what that looks like.

First, we’re going to assume that, just after this conversation, you broke your lease, or bent your mortgage, or something, and have moved to a new, clean living space. Or, you know, hire some people to clean it. Whatever it takes to keep her from realizing the sad little life you live. This…