How To Even…Celebrate New Year’s Eve

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

You wake up on New Year’s Eve. You’ve got the day off, there are frozen waffles in the freezer, your girlfriend Pam has a birth control patch. Life is Good.

You do the first thing everyone does before getting out of bed. You check your cell phone. The weather’s good. There’s no horrifying news for a change. You get another pop up ad for those New Year’s party hats. “Free! Free! Free! Golden New Year’s Party Hat! Built In Old Lang Syne tune! Built in litre of Jagermeister! Text 666999 for a free, sparkly-as-hell party hat. Duese! Deuse! Duese it up! DEUSE!!! Everyone else already has one, dude!”

You check the mail. Bill, bill, bill…and a box. Inside, wrapped in tissue, is a glittering conical party hat, the kind you’ve seen advertised for the last month or so. Except you didn’t order one.

***

Your phone burps. You had tried once to set it for something other than the default annoying ring, which was something like a flying buzzing “We Will, We Will Rock You.” The result was The Burp, and you’ve been stuck with that ever since. Your caller ID only ever says “Threat Level Red” so you…