How To Even…Celebrate Black Friday
By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe
Black Friday is the annual pilgrimage of the faithful to America’s most sacred shrine, the shopping mall. This pilgrimage, though fraught with peril, is the patriotic duty of all Americans and must be carried out at least once in a lifetime, regardless of whether one is physically and financially capable of undertaking the journey. It demonstrates the solidarity of all Americans, and their willing submission to the American way of life.
The History of Black Friday
There are many theories of how Black Friday came to be. Most are absurd, like that it has something to do with shopping. One of the more compelling is that Black Friday is the last holdover from Big Color’s attempt to subvert Big Norse Gods’ hold on the naming of days of the week. Other, non-surviving days included Teal Tuesday and Beige Thursday. Another theory goes that Black Friday is a holdover from a failed educational movement of the 50s intended to teach children colors in a more vital way. This theory was actually referenced in the song “Blue Monday,” though that particular holiday is no longer celebrated. The progression of the theory is somewhat confused. Somehow, the color naming convention was subverted by food naming conventions, which left us with the ever-popular Taco Tuesdays. Finally, the whole thing was taken over by Big Misanthropy as a day to celebrate how dumb everybody is. Much of the detail on this is lost to the mists of time.
Regardless of how it came to be, Black Friday is one of the most celebrated holidays in American culture. The faithful embark on their pilgrimages to their chosen meccas, often clad in ceremonial sweat pants and “ugly sweaters.” Black Friday celebrations can become quite spirited, involving several rituals. For example, it often begins with the “Race to the Holy Land,” where the faithful, cold and uncomfortable after having camped outside the store overnight, shove and stab each other to get inside first, once the doors to the place of worship are opened. There is the “Tugging of Faith,” in which two believers each lay claim to the last copy of a new video game or home entertainment system. Let us not forget the “Dance of the Faithful,” which results from the faithful not wanting to risk losing their place in line by going to the restroom.
Why Are Americans So Faithful?
This is a simple question with a complex answer. Americans aren’t like other people. That sounds like a #humblebrag, but there’s nothing humble about it. America is the #1 country in the world. Sure, that’s just because we can’t count higher than 1, but the fact still remains. Americans also express their feelings in different ways than the geographically challenged. In some nordic country, for example, people might express deep affection by giving someone a fish, or hugging them like a fish, or something. In some Asian countries, people celebrate their families on certain days and pay reverence to their ancestors and family members, probably with a dance video. Americans express their feelings through commerce. Basically, Americans like stuff. We’re not big on feelings, but stuff is great. If you ask an American if they’d like $100 or a hug, they’re going to take the money. Unless the hug is from Bob Ross. That’s…we don’t want to talk about that right now, man. Just give us a second.
So, anyway, the value of things equates to how much we value our loved ones. It’s either that or tell them we love them, which would be a little much.
How To Know When It’s Black Friday
Most people think that recognizing Black Friday is a no brainer. It’s the day after Thanksgiving. How hard is that? Recognition Achieved. But there are many circumstances where knowing it’s Black Friday takes a little bit more brain than none. Here are just a couple:
Scenario One
You’re a bicycle courier. You’ve been hit by a bus and have spent the last 28 days in a coma. You wake up in a hospital, with no idea what day it is. It’s dawn, and eerily quiet. The hospital corridors are deserted. Outside, the streets are also empty, though you can hear a distant rumbling, as if thousands of people had gathered in one place and were checking their iphones. Finally, you come across a couple — Timmy and Judy from Chagrin Falls, Ohio — moving cautiously through the area. When you ask them what’s
going on, they are surprised that you don’t know, but then tell you that society has collapsed. Shocked, you blurt out, “Oh my god, it’s the zombie apocalypse they’re always talking about! It’s finally happened!” Timmy and Judy look at you blank-faced, and then burst out laughing. “Oh, for Pete’s sake,” says Judy, “It’s just Black Friday. Everybody’s at the mall, shopping their asses off. Tomorrow it’ll all be back to normal.”
Scenario Two
You’ve just arrived in the United States. You’re a visiting professor from an Eastern European country and have been invited to give a lecture series at a prestigious university. You don’t know English, so you’ll give your lectures in your native language, and rely on a language major to translate it for the class. On the day of your first lecture, you walk over to the school building. Your room, though, is empty. Not even your translator is there. The time for your lecture comes and goes, but no one shows up. Puzzled, you sit down and think. You have a vague recollection of an old folk legend in your country, where the inhabitants of a kingdom are — for one day a year — transformed by magic into herds of sheep and goats. Could this strange tale have some basis in fact? Still thinking, you head off campus into the college town of Chagrin Falls, Ohio. As you walk the streets, you seem to hear a distant bleating, as if thousands of people had gathered in one place and were checking their iphones. Although you are unfamiliar with the term “Black Friday,” you are able to deduce its basic principles from field observations.
Do Other Countries Have Black Friday?
The short answer is yes. It’s the result of something called Black Friday Envy. For a long time, every Black Friday, starting at 12:01 am, up until 11:59 pm, the entire world would be riveted, unable to tear its eyes away from televised scenes of violence and unfortunate fashion choices on this most American of days. Leaders of other countries began to notice that everyone was calling in sick, and cancelling all their appointments and restaurant reservations. Since then, countries have been slowly adopting the celebration of Black Friday as way of avoiding the ignominy of watching average Americans do stuff.
The long answer is…well, the long answer is the same as the short answer, but with more words.
Shopping Black Friday
To successfully shop Black Friday, you must achieve an anti-spiritual state that allows you to envision it as a video game (sort of like Manhunt 2, except you have credit and debit cards instead of a bat with nails in it. Although you might have that, too). We recommend bath salts. As in life, there are going to be winners and losers, but this way, they are just NPCs. This is a great way of removing any pesky moral considerations from the situation (also, if things don’t go the way you want, you can blame the designers). There will be opportunities, setbacks, gains, losses, and obstacles (such as alligator pits — which make a lot more sense, now). There will be a lot of cheating. There will be crappy graphics, but that might be because you have crappy eye insurance.
To win at the game of Black Friday, you must obtain all the items on your list. What’s on your list is arbitrary, since it’s based on what you want, which is itself based on what TV, radio, magazine, and pop up ads have told you to want over the past year (although actually in the past two weeks). Each item falls into one of four categories: electronics, toys, appliances or Hatchin’sects Glittery-Glow Hatching Cocoon with Interactive, Programmable Koala-Mantis. This last sounds like a toy but is in fact a scout for an extraterrestrial invasion force.
Before the start of the “game,” nature (and in-game purchases) have endowed you with a certain number of powers, such as physical strength, deep pockets, low animal cunning, or razor blades on the outside of your sneakers. These powers in turn help dictate your strategy for winning at Black Friday. You can also obtain a certain number of energy coins by playing an in-game “game” called Raiding Gramma’s, allowing you to hoard stocks of coffee, tea, redbuzz, no-zees, meth, or steroid rage. This will help set you on edge for the coming onslaught.
Now that the drugs have kicked in, Black Friday has three levels of “play.” The first is known as The Gathering Storm. This takes place starting at least 24 hours before stores open. It’s a preliminary round that will determine your place in subsequent levels of play. The two biggest assets for this level are endurance and quick reflexes. Also, there’s a big exposition scene to set up the world of the game, where preachers or parents or somebody dumb tries to tell you giving is its own reward or something, but you can skip over it if you hit “X.”
At the start of “play,” you, StoopidNameYouThoughtWasClever, are camped outside MegaWorld, a box-type store, waiting for the doors to open. It’s either raining, snowing, or foggy. A young couple from Chagrin Falls, Ohio, is in line behind you. Their son is dying, and his last wish is to have the game system advertised on sale inside the store — the same one you are here to get. “I’m sure there will be plenty for everyone,” the soon-to-be-sneak-attacked father says.
The second level is called Little Big Horn. This is the longest and most difficult level, with quests, battles, and alligator pits. (That’s not a metaphor. Have you been to a mall recently?) In this level, you must battle other shoppers to find updates for your character. Of course, you can skip all this by making in-game purchases, which allow you to acquire what you “need,” while devoting your time to melee-style attacks on other players. At the end, you will be confronted by an in-store troll and will have to answer his riddle: “Would you like the extended warranty?” Your answer will depend on whether you’re buying a 1,000 inch flat screen TV or a bottle of aspirin (Reveal: not really). You must answer correctly to advance to the final level.
The last level of Black Friday is Checking Out. To be successful at this level, planning ahead is essential, along with being able to dominate underpaid salespeople, and the ability to stay on your feet for 16 hours without moving. Having survived the frenzied hell of Little Big Horn, you now must undergo such challenges as the Price Check, the Register of Doom, and the Infinite Swipe. Ultimately, you stand in line, covered with the blood of those less prepared to abandon their humanity, with a stack of electronics and probably some brain damage, a winner.
***
Now that you understand the importance of Black Friday, we hope you will never again complain about it being “commercialized” or “a blight on the soul of America.” We mean, come on, what ISN’T a blight on the soul of America? Does America even have a soul? And what is a blight anyway? Some kind of rash? Does it involve ointment? Anyway, the important thing is that we will have ruined Thanksgiving to get some crap we’ll be sick of in a couple weeks. Even so, Black Friday’s days are numbered. This is because the least favorite thing we Americans like to to do is get off our couches. Normally, we only leave the couch if we’re getting into bed. Now, because this is an integral part of our national character, Black Friday will soon be but a dusty memory on a broken shelf in a shuttered Toys Were Us warehouse. It will have been replaced by Cyber Monday. So, please celebrate this hallowed, uhm, event while we still have it, in any way you see fit.
