How To Even…Celebrate a Birthday

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Birthdays traditionally serve a twofold purpose. One is to remind us that death is getting closer, all the time. The other is to remind us how little we’ve accomplished, especially considering how soon we’ll die. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Birthdays can be so much more. They can be an affirmation of the impending deaths of our enemies. They can be a reminder that this meaningless suffering will soon be over. Also, there’s cake.

Make It Fun

Something we like to do to celebrate the anniversary of our birth is a little game we call Reminders. It goes like this. Over the course of the year, every time someone pisses you off, write down their name and whatever you’d like to say or do to them as revenge. Put all of these notes into a jar, or, if you need more room, you can rent a warehouse. On your birthday, empty out the jar/warehouse. Spread all the notes out on a bed or plush carpet floor. Take off all your clothes. Now, roll in the little strips of revenge. Roll in them, and imagine all the ways you will destroy these fools. It’s best to do this in private. DO NOT WEBCAM.

Executive Level: An even better way to “Make It Fun” is to not just think about the ways you’d like to get revenge, but to follow through. Seek out those who’ve thwarted you and make them pay. This adds a…