Member-only story
How To Even…Brunch
By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe
Brunch is what people do when they’re too hungover to sleep in. It’s a way of pretending that you don’t have a drinking problem. Hey, I’m outside the house before noon, I must be okay, right? Granted, you woke up in an alley in a puddle of someone else’s sick wearing another someone else’s underwear, but that’s what the youngsters call “Urban Camping.” And sharing is caring.
Maybe you went to a show last night. Maybe you won a drinking contest against your liver. Who can say? Certainly not you. But what does the world expect? Everyone is 12, now, except you. You’re 153.
Luckily, there’s brunch to make you feel somewhat less subhuman than you are at that moment.
Brunch was invented when restaurants realized that they had a lot of food left over from Saturday night, because people (like you) were drunk enough to order Deep Fried Pizza Wings but too drunk to actually eat them. The restaurateurs were then smart enough to realize you can put literally anything in an omelet or quiche and people will eat it as long as there are bottomless mimosas, too. There were two opposing camps on how to market this frugal recycling of last night’s dinner. On one side were the proponents of Lunkfast, and on the other, the Bruncharians. After years of bloody conflict, the Lunkfasters were conclusively defeated at the Battle…